Self Acceptance: A Key To Social Confidence

Self Acceptance: A Key To Social Confidence

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hello this is Sebastian from social anxiety solutions I am a personal coach and help people with social anxiety if you calm a relaxed in social situations now in this video I want to talk a little bit about the importance of self acceptance and I want to talk about that because it’s it’s one of the the main keys to being at ease socially because there there are parts of us that we accept and those are usually the parts that you know we accept ourselves when we’re happy we accept ourselves when we’re confident we accept ourselves when we’re funny we accept ourselves when we’re intelligent however we have we have moments where we’re not happy we have moments when we’re boring we have moments when we’re annoying to other people we have moments where we’re insecure we have moments where we’re anxious and these are parts of us and we’ve learned through programming in our early childhood to only accept certain parts of ourselves and as a result we we have repressed these parts of us and then when they show up it becomes a problem for us so when we feel anxious we’re like oh my god I shouldn’t beat his way this is bad it’s wrong to feel this way it’s weak it’s pathetic and so on or when we feel insecure there’s shame about it because we’re supposed to be confident all the time and never have any insecurities whatsoever so a key to social confidence me free of your anxiety is actually being okay with all the unacceptable parts yeah in other words you want to make the unacceptable parts acceptable and tapping is a great way to do that because when you’re okay with feeling insecure when you’re okay with you know being socially anxious when you’re okay looking like a dumbass there’s a lot of freedom in that and because think about it when you’re fine with looking anxious when you’re fine looking stupid then you have nothing to hide and that’s what you know social confidence is all about hey I am Who I am I’m all right with Who I am I’m kind of great and I’m kind of sometimes and that’s alright I’ve got nothing to hide and that’s a very safe place to be right and that’s the outcome because anxiety shows up whenever you your your brain perceives a threat whenever your brain perceives that you’re it’s not safe to be you so and when you’re when you’re okay with all of you you’ve got nothing to hide hence you’re safe hence there’s no perception of threat and so there’s no anxiety now that’s the outcome that you’re looking for you know I’m not talking about how to get there that’s actually quite a bigger story than just a just a little video but you know in these videos I’m just giving you little blips of information and things to consider and I might be repeating certain certain concepts several time because it just takes time to land sometimes you know and the more you hear something from the more different angles at the board it starts to hit you and you start to get your own aha moments and stuff like that well what I was thinking would be awesome is to have a little bit of a summary about an interview that I did with with Steve Wells and Steve Steve is a friend of mine but uh it’s quite a bit older than me be funny if he hears me say that I think he’s in his mid 50s we he’s a psychologist and we a couple of years ago I organized a big relief mission emotional relief mission for the traumatized victims of super typhoon Yolanda and the Philippines and he along with my mentor dr. David Lake came over to the traumatized victims and we taught them that the tapping techniques to release the trauma anyway Steve is a psychologist and he’s an absolute expert in tapping techniques and he’s been very creative with it and he’s combined along with my mentor provocative therapy with the tapping and they’ve created their own approach called provocative energy techniques which is hilarious a lot of fun makes makes your your your healing process very enjoyable both for practitioner and the coach but anyway he’s a he and my mentor they really emphasized the importance of self acceptance and the importance of acceptance in general you know and when you look at the spiritual teachings this is a concept that comes back over and over and over and over you know Byron Katie talks about loving what is acceptance of what is is essential in order to actually start making changes so you you not just you want to you need to get to a place where you’re where you’re actually in acceptance of your social anxiety and acceptance of yourself that’s where true freedom lies because if you don’t get to the place where you accept your social anxiety you can use the tapping to get there and Steve Steve and I will be talking about that in the interview that I’ve done with him that you’ll get a bit of a summary of in this video because if you don’t and social anxiety comes up for you then you freak out and it gets worse and it just keeps it keeps the loop going it perpetuates a little so you can you can interrupt that by using the tapping on your resistance to accepting it and what we’ll dive in a lot deeper anyway I’ve been talking for long enough and I’m starting to get to my my destination about to fly off back to Asia so check out this video and leave a comment below if you have any insights that you want to share that might have been helpful for you when it comes to acceptance like how have you used acceptance in your life or how will you use acceptance in your life in order to move towards greater levels of social confidence so hope has been helpful enjoy the summary of this video that’s it it again enjoy the summary of the interview I did with Steve and I’ll talk to you soon bye for now hi there my name is Rachel I’m on the social anxiety solutions team and I want to give you a brief overview and share a few clips from the interview that Sebastian was referring to where he interviewed Steve wells it’s social anxiety solutions podcast episode number 5 self acceptance a key to social comfort this is an awesome engaging interview that really drives home what is at the root of social anxiety what prevents people from moving forward and how you can finally stop this vicious cycle and become free in social situations so if you’re suffering with social anxiety I highly recommend you check out the full interview so we’ll start this off with Sebastian’s experience with this and then lead into Steve explanation as to how lack of self acceptance and social anxiety are related Steve we talked about self acceptance today because I believe it’s one of the causes or the cause of social anxiety and I know I definitely didn’t accept myself I saw myself as the biggest loser around I thought that everyone was above me and you know I I saw how everyone was having fun and I was missing out and I couldn’t really enjoyed when I was was around other people and I mentioned it earlier that you know I found out about self acceptance you know was suggested to me and I was like are you kidding me yeah how can I accept myself this social anxiety it’s ruining my life I can’t be myself you know without this I’d be fine I was wrong but you know without this I’d be fine I’m not gonna accept myself and that actually caused me to struggle for a lot longer so Steve to kickoff how does self acceptance relate to social anxiety okay well exactly as you said you have your problem and then you have your reaction to the problem and the reaction of the problem is fairly universal is that we get angry at ourselves for having the problem we beat ourselves up for having the problem we put ourselves down for having a problem because any problem that we have we shouldn’t have you know in general across the world people feel anxiety when they experience new situations and you know of course some people are feeling the fear and going it anyway whereas others are stopping in their tracks now if you’re if you’re doing that and other people are going ahead then you can now you can beat yourself up for not being as good as them yeah absolutely so this underlying thing of I’m not as good as they’re more or basically not good enough that’s a universal human belief and you know somebody who has a problem like saying social anxiety has that belief really close to the surface you know everyone has it but for someone with social anxiety it’s going to be close to the surface a lot of the time so you know you’re feeling anxious a lot of the time and you know you should be out there doing it and so there and and you’re not so therefore you know you can blame yourself there’s something wrong with you you can beat yourself up and so on so as Steve explained self acceptance and social anxiety go hand in hand as opposed to trying to fix the surface problem the problem being your social anxiety the key to overcoming anxiety would then be to accept these parts of ourselves that we’ve not been accepting but you may find that to be a challenge for you in this next clip Steve shares his struggles with accepting how he felt and what he realized and did stop the cycle and finally have a breakthrough I’m typing out these words you know you know even though I’m you know I’ve been playing wasting my time on the computer again playing silly computer games I deeply and completely accept myself and I thought no I do not you know I totally do not accept myself and so there no I thought well hang on a minute you know this thing that that I think is the problem maybe this is the real problem you know is that I’m not accepting myself so I thought okay you know let’s make that the target of this process so instead of targeting you know this problem let’s target the problem underneath it which is that I just don’t accept myself most people with social anxiety will say well I’ll accept myself once I’m free of my social anxiety so exactly and the challenge is that it actually starts with wherever you are because you know what when people and I work with people at the top level a lot of people that you know most the listeners really admire they still don’t accept themselves you know a lot of celebrities a lot of sporting greats a lot of people who are in the top of their field underneath that then they’re not really happy with themselves and I don’t really like themselves so even after achieving those things they still have this lingering feeling of not being good enough and so I say start with that first because that’s what you really after and when you do accept yourself you’re able to move forward like when I when I did that when I had that breakthrough through feeling I just started doing stuff because I wasn’t worried anymore about about failing with it it was just like you know it freed up my energy to be able to do things without thinking that they were the measure of my worth in the world you know yeah so you might think you have all this work to do first and then you’ll be good enough and will then accept yourself you know once you’ve achieved a level of success you know that you automatically accept yourself but as Steve said he’s seen a lot of people at the top levels of performance in the fields athletes celebrities and so on and they still struggle so you might as well address it no matter where you are now because it sounds like it might still be there waiting for you to address no matter your levels of success in the world so as Steve explains the further he went into this problem you know the further he went into addressing his lack of self acceptance he became more aware of how big his unacceptance really was and he learned to apply tapping towards it and you know he shares an experience of having gone through so many levels of it and then just being filled with a lightness and a realization that he was never the problem and he also shared that he’s never turned back since having that realization can you imagine the difference between going from not accepting yourself to accepting yourself every day how many parts of your life would that impact Steve then shares how important it is to make the tapping a part of your daily habits because social anxiety attaches itself to all parts of your life because you know you’ve had it you carried it with you through all these different parts of your life but each of those can be addressed and some aspects you might be able to address quickly while others will take more time but he says if you put in the time consistently that it’s very beneficial and you can reduce your suffering without forcefully facing your fears with this approach and he shares that just by doing the tapping you know even in the very beginning you’re gonna be taking the edge off and he shares that it’s gonna get easier and easier the more you do it and so if you can work on accepting yourself and whatever it is that you’ve been pushing away from accepting he recommends doing this for 30 days so every time you find yourself not accepting yourself you can apply a tapping technique social confidence is really the aim here to where you no longer are afraid to be yourself in social situations and you no longer have anything to hide so I highly recommend again check out the full interview episode number 5 on the social anxiety solutions podcast which you can find on I too or on social anxiety solutions. com forward slash podcast and be sure to check out the show notes page reference there are a number of Steve’s links and videos his self acceptance series and his book that he co wrote with david lake called enjoy emotional freedom be sure to subscribe on social anxiety solutions com to learn more about how you can overcome social anxiety of course seek professional help as needed and remember your social anxiety and level of self acceptance go hand in hand it starts with wherever you are right now blaming yourself for the problem or for not being good enough it is actually the problem you are not the problem so start tapping and learn the technique apply it to wherever it is you’re not accepting yourself make it a daily habit try it out for 30 days and I’ll leave you with one of Steve’s favorite quotes from Alan Weis which is success not perfection you..

Rather than the usual shyness advice I want to make sure you learn from people who have really gone through it. Like struggled with social anxiety for decade and come out on the other side level of gone through it. If this is your first visit to Social Professor make sure you check out the shy to social page and grab the free audiobook ‘how to talk to anyone’ which is going to turn your life around.

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Comment (4)

  1. Good one Seb, and well done to Rachel for her comprehensive summary! Got me working again on self-acceptance, which I am realising is so important on all parts of our journey. What struck me most was the importance of accepting that we can get selfish, angry, ashamed, rude, lazy, etc., something which I had totally overlooked, since I was focusing mostly on physical appearance. I am already feeling much more relaxed and present, Thank you!

  2. what angers me and fills me with frustration, resentment, is that it is pretty much only guys, men, who have to be the only gender in life, society, that have to get their shyness, social-anxiety or awkwardness handled, nobody cares about a womans confidence but men are always expected to be confident

  3. Before I found your work, Sebastiaan, I had a massive breakthrough around being overweight. I had ALOT of plans, for years, on losing weight, diets, even orthorexia, which is an obsession with only eating healthy, and also exercising, planning exercise, not necessarily doing it much lol. I found a course about body trust and how diets dont work and how we are fat phobic and how judgmental we are about what is a socially acceptable body. The body shame was keeping me so trapped. I stopped eating only healthy foods, stopped my plan to exercise and started to listen to my body.

    Then I found your work a week later and totally started to see that how I feel about my issues is the issue, and that things never shifted for me because of my need to make them go away, I had no self acceptance whatsoever.

    I suppose the teacher appears when we are ready.

  4. I’ve learnt an important lesson in self acceptance and self love. I used to hate my white hairs and pluck them out. Recently, I’ve been experienc9ng thinning. My hair is my pride and joy. So now, I have lost some of its thick mass, and I realised I did not fully accept all of it. But white hair strands are sturdy and resilient, they don’t fall out easily. I accept them now because I have them and they are hair on my head. I accept what I do have and try to focus on that than the fear of losing all my hair. This teaches me to accept myself fully in order to love and appreciate myself fully, because when I do, it lowers my anxiety. Now I need to accept that my body is renewing itself in order to let go of certain fears related to my hair thinning. New situation, new fear, new opportunity for self acceptance and self love.

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