Q&A – Depression, Sexual Abuse, Social Anxiety , Bpd / Thatgirlwithbpd
Q&A – Depression, Sexual Abuse, Social Anxiety , Bpd / Thatgirlwithbpd
hi guys and welcome back to my channel so this is the second video on my channel I think if I load it in the right order today I’m going to be doing a Q&A I asked you guys on my Twitter and Instagram if you had any questions you wanted me to answer and I’ve had loads so I’ve picked a few for now and I’ll probably do another Q&A sometime in the future so I’m just going to get straight into it so the first question that I’ve got is what medications are you on and are they effective so I have been on so many medications since I was diagnosed five years ago so many and the medication that I’m on at the moment is telegram and what IP they don’t work for me I’m not gonna lie they they have no effect really the only effect that I would say quetiapine has on me is that it makes me sleep hard like as soon as I take care you know it starts kicking in and then within an hour I am gone and I will sleep for 12 hours a night like I will sleep right through there could be a hurricane outside and I wouldn’t know because I sleep so hard it’s unreal you know I’ve been on them for 18 months now both of them as like a combination and I first went on the boat I pain because my old psychiatrist kind of realized that my knee my moods were not normal my emotions were not normal I wasn’t diagnosed with BPD back then which is a bit stupid I should have realized that a bit sooner what they didn’t and maybe a good work first but considering I’m trying to kill myself like four or five times in the last four months and you know I ended up in hospital and I saw harm regularly if it’s not working asked for citalopram my god that made me so ill when I first went on it when I say made me ill I mean I’ve never been that in in my life I was so poorly and nauseous I have no energy I found tired all the time and after about four weeks that did subside and for a bit work a camera at the quetiapine for some reason they just don’t seem to work for me I don’t know whether it is because we’ve been reading it can’t really be treated with medication you know beep it it’s not like bipolar when you can kind of treat the mania and you can treat the depression it’s it fluctuates so quickly like you can go from being really really happy and you know you’re fine and you’re having the time of your life to within the space of like two minutes you want to self harm do you want to die and it’s that extreme so I think maybe that’s why nothing is work for me I you know for some people that just have depression and anxiety it may work but for me no they they don’t work I am coming off both of them I’m down to 20 milligrams and they’re citalopram and I’m now down to 25 or type in God ideally I don’t really want to be on any medication I have kind of come to the decision that after five years you know I can’t find anything and if eni’s working for me that I don’t want to be on anything I don’t want to put stuff into my body that he’s not working it seems absolutely pointless and I’ve done want it so I’m trying to come up those but we’ll see if I end up going on something else because they’re probably well so my second question is how did you feel when diagnosed so I was first diagnosed actually I think somebody has asked me as well how old I was okay so how old I’m gonna put these in one question so how old were you when you diagnosed and how did you feel so when I was 14 I first tried to kill myself and I very very vividly remember saying to my mom and my stepdad something’s not right because they came into my room I’d taken loads and loads of cocoa de Mol to this day I come I don’t like cocoa and while I refused to take it like if a doctor recommends it to me I won’t be like no sorry I’m not taking it and my mom came into my room and I told her I turn and she was there with my stepdad and I said when something’s not right like something it’s not normal and I knew then straightaway something you know something was wrong it’s not right to sit there and you know I want to die at 14 years old and try and kill yourself it’s not right they didn’t take me to hospital making that what you will so I was never diagnosed I ideally back then I think I should have read must be told hospitalized at 14 because then I would not be this bad a is on I could probably be having a normal life right now but that’s parents for you so I kind of just carried on you know I was a very very kind of angry teenager I used to you know sleep with people and some pictures of myself around and I was very kind of destructive by hating myself I despise myself I used to wear loads and loads and loads of maker and quite provocative clothes just to hide the fact that I was so incredibly insecure and still want to be here so upon a very big front and then I fell in love with someone when I was 16 that was my first boyfriend and we were together for a year everything just seemed better because he was amazing and I loved him and you know he was just this light in this shitty world I was going through and I had a lot going on at the time I had a court case going on and I was doing my GCSEs and I just found out that my dad wasn’t my real dad so there was loads of stuff going on at that time in my life but he just made everything so much better and then he split up with me just before I year anniversary and that triggered a mental breakdown and I was so poorly I I was beyond Pauly I I look back and I it’s really blurry this kind of I think it’s like a year when I was most Hill and I don’t remember it because I was that ill I was so depressed it’s unreal I look back and even though I’m not very well now I look back and I think why the hell was I’m not put in a hospital I really should have been in a hospital at that point because I like I say I was Jay I was beyond horny it was just there’s rock bottom and then there was what I was and that was when I went to the doctors and I got diagnosed with depression anxiety so I’m 17 when I got diagnosed so that was three years after I’d first started to kill myself and then you know I tried those are different and for I know maybe lucky yeah I was really ill turn 18 and then I got into a really destructive relationship for two years the worst decision of my life I look back and everybody at the time I think everybody has those relationships where people say to you you know you need to get out of that relationship it’s not good for you and I as I’ve said I’m very destructive and I was like no like I’m gonna do what I want and I don’t care what you think so that then you know made me even in moil and then that kind of triggered a destructive behavior last year which was just crazy again sleeping around getting drunk all the time messaging god knows how many people which is for people that don’t know that is a very very common thing with BPD being promiscuous and putting yourself in dangerous situations such as getting buck drunk you don’t know what’s going on there are nights out that I do not remember all I will black out for a good six seven hours I’ll be confused I don’t know what’s going on so it’s very very destructive and then again I fell in love with someone last June we started dating and that basically solved all of that when I say it solved all of that I don’t know that I don’t mean like obviously made me better and you know I’m a new person and I’m not Wally anymore but you took away the most destructive parts and make obviously sleeping around it years with him made me realize that I don’t really I don’t want anyone else at all and I don’t want to be like that he he has this very strange effect when he makes me feel like a much better person even though I’m really not so that’s always a good thing so yeah what I I think yeah so the what the question because I’ve rambled on how did you feel when you were diagnosed when I was 17 and I was diagnosed with the depression I don’t really give a shit I’m not gonna lie didn’t really care wasn’t bothered because I had said for years something’s not right and then when somebody confirmed it I was just like I told you all along and then when I have recently been diagnosed with BPD it was the biggest relief of my life so relieved because I know I’ve known for a long time I remember saying to the guy that I’m saying that I think I’ve got BPD and then I was like I’m really like emotionally unstable like I’m not normal but I didn’t do anything about it because I don’t have a psychiatrist I’ve been waiting to be referred to for thinking Birmingham which I still AM even after being in hospital so thank you for thinking for that if it wasn’t for you I would have been in hospital so that was great I just felt relieved I felt so kind of I was like ah there’s a reason for the behavior and the madness and the happy and the sad and I felt so really if I still I’m relieved I still feel that sense of oh because I know and I know why antidepressants didn’t work and you know what is not gonna work so that’s always a good thing what signs did you notice it’s the next question so before I was diagnosed with depression I asked to say I was very suicidal I think our bad imediately training able to go like a week without showering didn’t care would brush my teeth I want to get out bad mine and literally I had to like make me eat just a slice of toast I dropped down from about us so to a right down to like a size 4 I’ve gotten from been about eight and a half stone down to about seven stone in the space of like a month and a half everything was just gone I was so poorly I looked Paulie I wasn’t interested in anything I didn’t want to be here I couldn’t go to college I just didn’t give a shit anymore I really just didn’t care and that is those kind of were picked up by breaking my family as well and then I went to the doctors and then BPD getting diagnosed that oh actually I do mention my anxiety so the side side notice for my anxiety were i shit scared of leaving the house in my own wouldn’t do it i still don’t do it i when i’m okay and my BPD is quite stable I will leave the house of my own and I don’t care like I’ll just walk out and I’m like but when I’m poorly I won’t leave the house in my eye my anxiety flares up and I’m like I’m not doing it not leavin the house of my own I don’t answer the home phone i won answer the door unless I know you’ll come in so if the postman comes I will always check that you know like have I got a pass or otherwise I won’t answer it and those are the signs that I noticed with that I went to the doctor’s about that that’s why I don’t much pressure and then BPD that maybe he’s a tricky one I think it wasn’t necessarily I mean I kind of saw the signs and I was like okay I think I think I’ve got this service it was just I would notice that I would be very hateful and nasty and suicidal and then 10 minutes later I love you I want to go out with you let’s go get some food it was very kind of I would be messaging and saying like my dad and my dad unfortunately has got the brunt of a lobster from me so I kind of I would send viral messages I want to send vile I mean I was being so nasty but then ten minutes later would be like Olivia I knew all that would be gone and that was the first thing that I noticed when I was like okay this isn’t normal and then it would get more extreme and most recently when I was in hospital I was on Face. Time to the guy that I’m seeing and I was like I’m gonna kill myself like okay I don’t want to be there anymore like I’m done like I’ve written to know and you know I’ve kind of things in place so nobody you know has to deal with any of my stuff when I’m here I’m a blur but then in Terminix later I I it’s so weird cuz I remember sitting down to him and I said I don’t feel like that anymore like I feel okay and then I kind of that’s when I asked a psychiatrist and he was like what did you think you had and I said to him well depression and anxiety nobody’s ever mentioned BPD and he looks very very confused and I think probably a little bit worried that nobody in the whole time I’ve been assessed by mental health has ever said you have borderline personality disorder and that’s why nothing works so those are the signs that I think you kind of sometimes you know like I just knew something wasn’t right like I say when I was 14 I knew that something was wrong with me and then with the board line I know so those are kind of the signs that I have for that so then the next question is how do you cope with social anxiety and making friends I’m sheet at making friends I’m really bad I I would like to think that I am fantastic at making friends and you know because people come relate to me and I come across as very kind of you know I’m just me I’m sure I’ll bring about and a lot of that comes down to being insecure so say like I have a friend that has another group of friends and they wanted to meet them I will godlike say if I do go off the time I will not go I won’t I it sounds really silly but I’m sure a lot of people can relate to this and I would sit there and I will feel so ugly and I will be like I don’t really kind of my daughter feeling with these girls that are so kind of perfect and it’s Tarawa and they I know just kind of be something like I really really don’t wanna be here I I don’t really have a kind of way of making friends up I’m just me so if you meet me I will be at first I would say sometimes at first I’m very very quiet like with the person that I’m dating when on our first day I was very quiet then you know couple of dates on him to me but when it comes to friends I am just the way I am and I’m very alone and I talk about anything and nothing is off limits and if I having a shit there you’re gonna know about it I’m gonna tell you and if you don’t like that then you can’t be my friend basically and if you do like that then we’ll get along and that’s probably why I only have like three or four close friends I know it’s a only and so on I’ve been now I’ve had no friends before for like a good year of my life no watching it’s probably gonna be more than that when I was in school I didn’t have any friends I used to go so badly bullied when I was it’s called people just did not like me I think that was partially in a way down to my behavior like I say being very promiscuous and being just kind of I don’t give a fuck what you think not that that gives anybody a reason to bully someone I think the bullying has scarred me for life I still think about it now and I refuse to go to places where I feel like people from my high school be and I think that was kind of damaged me in a way we’ve making friends because I’m worried if I make friends with someone are they you know end up like that social anxiety for me it’s a bit tricky because I have phases where I’m okay and I will go and I will sit with loads of people oh I don’t mind being around crowds and there are the times like at the moment people being a crowd of having panic attack and all that’s it I won’t do it I don’t like it I don’t like being around loud noises I don’t like being around a lot of people and you know what I kind of noticed that when I have these faces I won’t go on say Mc. Knight’s out what I’m not having these phases I am out all the time so I’m kind of glad I’m in this phase right now it was one I have no money to go out and I don’t really have the energy and I don’t want to anyway as ocean anxiety is very difficult and I think you know it’s maybe sometimes it is something you can kind of solve on your own but for me it’s where I need somebody to come in and actually help me because I can’t solve it on my own I’ve tried it hasn’t worked I need somebody else’s help but if you do struggle with making friends what I found very useful for me it has been on Twitter and Instagram and having that like mental illness network of people that are in similar situations that you are so my camera decided to cut out as I was talking about my last couple of questions so I’m really fucked off the death but it cut off literally where I was saying social anxiety what I find helpful is been on Twitter and Instagram and you can do it anonymously like you don’t have to go on there and be like I like this is who I am and I’ve got this you can just go on there be anonymous and you know follow other people that have similar things to you and you can post about it you don’t have to be specific and say okay this is me you can post a quotes and stuff and then other people would dislike similar things start following you when you have that kind of network they were so I find that really really useful especially when you know my own friends live like away from me so I’d have to get the train and stuff and obviously if I can’t bought my own I can’t see them unless they come to me so yeah I definitely say try face even Facebook actually I’m not on Facebook I’m not keen on it but Facebook is good for a lot of people especially as there are so many groups on there but yeah social anxiety like the Saints very very tricky and I I can’t sit here and say well this this works for sure because I still suffer from it but I find it helps so definitely give it a try if you are struggling so I’m not gonna do any more questions out because like I say my command dies and it’s really pissed me off but it just means I’ve got more for my next video so I just want to say thank you very much for sitting through this video I told you I’d have a second one enough for all of you that didn’t have faith it may be updates and my Instagram very ugly so if you don’t follow me there all it down below and if you’re not subscribed already and you want to get alerts please subscribe it helps spread the message all about mental illness and mental health and I will see you next time thanks..
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