How To Short-Circuit The Fear Of Rejection
How To Short-Circuit The Fear Of Rejection
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Do you ever feel like the fear of rejection is holding you back? Like, maybe, there’s someone that you would have really like to ask out, someone that you’ve had your eye on for a long time, but when you think about asking them out, you think about they’re maybe saying no, you don’t even want to try, or you’re an artist of some kind, and you’d like to share your art, you’d like to publish it, you’d like to, maybe, even pursue it as a career; for me, this was writing. But, when you think about being criticized for that art, you don’t even want to throw your hat in the ring. If that’s something that you can relate to, the good news is that you don’t have to continue to relate to it because there’s people in the world that are basically immune to rejection. They don’t feel it in the same way that you might and they don’t fear it. And the only difference between them and someone who has issues with rejection that were kind of fears it is the way that they perceive it in their mind and that’s what we’re covering today.
Rather than the usual shyness advice I want to make sure you learn from people who have really gone through it. Like struggled with social anxiety for decade and come out on the other side level of gone through it. If this is your first visit to Social Professor make sure you check out the shy to social page and grab the free audiobook ‘how to talk to anyone’ which is going to turn your life around.
How can you make those quick little tweaks. They’re gonna make rejection kind of feel like something that just rolls off your back like nothing at all. So, first thing that you need to do is just think of a time that you’ve been rejected in the past or of a fear that you have of being rejected in the future asking someone on a date, going for a job interview, whatever it is for you. Hold that in your head as we go through these steps. First thing that you want to do with that rejection is disassociate yourself from the rejection. A quick example, for Charisma on Command, one of the first ways that we made money was by doing online coaching. We don’t do this anymore, but this is what we did. We did Skype coaching for Charisma and Confidence, and that looked like I’d get on the phone with someone for an hour, teach him to be more confident.
At the end of that, I’d say, “Okay, how did you like that?” They’d go, “It’s great! I’m feeling awesome.” I’d go, “Awesome. Do you want to sign up for four more sessions and, you know, we’ll do whatever things?” They’d go, “Okay, I’ll let you know and I’ll get back to you.” If you’d ever done sales, you know that “I’ll get back to you” means, most of the time, they didn’t get back to me, and that made me feel really like crappy. “Well, man, what am I doing wrong here?” Me, me, me. Am I doing it wrong? Is the business not right? Yadda yadda yadda. What I needed to do, and the breakthrough came is when I separated myself from the “No” and I said there’s something in between. There’s a skill set that is missing and in my case, it was sales. So we went back, we learned sales. My co founder found a coach and, of course, once we got that, we literally raised the prices and we got way more clients who are really excited to join.
In your case, what is going on in between you and the “no?” Is it that you’re not just a good fit for that company or that person? Is that you’re missing some kind of skill set? Is it that they didn’t like the way that you presented yourself or your approach, you came off too brash? Find what it is that’s going to give you, one, the thing that you need to work on in the future, but, two, it’s gonna make it so it’s not about you. You don’t need to fear the rejection. You just need to tweak this little thing. That’s the first step. Second step is this: broaden your perspective. Now, I find that people who really struggle with rejection and I’ve asked a lot of people about this is that they focused very intensely on that rejection, it’s like “This girl doesn’t like me, I’m gonna die,” or “If I don’t get this company to hire me, I’m never going to be happy,” right? It’s like the “end all and be all” is this one thing. When you broaden your perspective, you see, “Wait a second, it’s not about this one girl, it’s about me finding someone that I can connect with, that I care about, that I want to spend time with.
It’s not about this company. It’s about going to work everyday, feeling excited. And when you broaden your goal, which you realized is that every single rejection the interviews that don’t go well, the girls or the guys that’s saying no to you actually moves you closer because you are learning about something. So take my case, the coaching calls. In the moment, they felt like just there’s nothing good to see in that. I didn’t get the client, but when I went back and I looked at it, I said, “Wait a second, I’m learning a ton here.” I’m learning how to quickly size up a good client versus a bad one.
I’m getting testimonials, because even when people don’t sign up, they’re telling me what’s working well for them, so I can take that. I’m becoming better at this job. And when I zoomed down and saw that my goal was to have like 7 or 8 clients, and even now, is to have a channel to be able to teach people things, I learned and I got closer to my ultimate goal with every single rejection. When you look at the broad view, rejection is a step in the right direction. It’s only in the really, really myopic view that it feels like a setback, so broaden your horizon. You will inevitably find that you are moving in the right direction. Third thing, kind of related, is this, and it’s to realize that life is a dice game at best, right? There’s a huge element of life that comes down to luck.
I don’t care how charismatic, confident, competent you are, you will not get 100% of the people 100% of the time. There’s no salesman that can close every client. There’s no guy that can walk up and get every girl to go on a date with them. There’s no interviewee that can go to every job and make them all want to hire him. It just doesn’t work like that. There’s always gonna be mismatches.
There’s always gonna be an element of luck. How is the other person feeling? Are they in the mood? Did something not work out for them this morning, right? And so, when you realized this, all of a sudden, it becomes not just about did I get it, what did I do wrong, but you’ll realize, you know what? If I want to optimize my chances of getting this job of whatever it is, what I need to do is, one, improve my skill set that goes back to disassociating finding that thing in the middle and working on it, but, two, I need to roll the dice a heck of a lot more than everybody else. When you realized that, that becomes your competitive advantage. And I often felt like I was, every time I felt a setback with a client, a business, or something didn’t work, I thought, “You know what? This is why everybody doesn’t have a business that they’re in love with.” These are the things that stop most of the other people that if I continue to run through, I continue to roll the dice, I’m going to hit it eventually. So make the fact that life is a dice roll your competitive advantage and you will get there and it will make you feel good about it.
Fourth thing that I found very interesting is that when I talk to people who had no issue with rejection and people who did, the biggest difference across the board was that the people who had no issue, didn’t use the word “rejection.” It wasn’t in their vocabulary. They struggle to think of rejections even though their past, according to most people, was littered with rejections. And the reason is that the word “rejection” is tied up with worthiness. When you say she rejected me, he rejected me, that company rejected me, what that implies is that they looked at you in your totality as a human being and they said, not worthy, that’s why it stings. It’s not because they said, you don’t have the job for your requisites to get this job. That runs off our backs. We don’t really care about that; it’s when we feel unworthy.
And the quickest way to get rid of rejection is to throw that word out and be more specific. So a job doesn’t want you, you can say, “I wasn’t a good match for what they were looking for.” A girl doesn’t like you or a guy doesn’t like you, you can say, “You know what? They didn’t like my joke,” or “They weren’t into the way that I look,” or “They didn’t simply feel that we matched.” Whatever it is, there is a more accurate descriptive way that kind of comes from that disassociating in step one that will better suit you than saying “I got rejected.” Cut that out of your mental talk. Cut that out of your verbal talk. Don’t say that to friends, and you’ll find that you’ll start to not feel so timid about the idea of being turned down because it’s not about your worthiness.
It’s just about some skill set. It’s just about the way that you’re presenting yourself. That is the difference between people who don’t have an issue with rejection and people who do. So, I hope that you found this helpful.
If there’s a piece of art you’ve not published, if there is a person you’ve not asked out, I hope you’ve gone through these steps and that you go for it. That would, honestly, nothing would make me happier than to have this video inspire a couple of you guys to do that. So if that is the case and you do do it, let me know in the Comments, or even if you want to commit to doing that, that will be really, really cool. I hope that you guys have enjoyed this video, but before I go, I should say, of course, subscribe to the channel, if you’ve not yet done so. We have new videos like this every single Monday. We have the talking head style or a Charisma Breakdowns. We do the world’s most charismatic people and the things that you can learn from them, so that’s like Tyrion Lannister, Will Smith, Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Whoever it is, if you have any suggestions, of course, write those in the Comments, but if you subscribed, you’re gonna see those people. So, now, I hope you guys have enjoyed this video. I hope you take this. Go out, go get “rejected,” but, really, just learn something from the situation and let me know how it goes, so I hope you enjoyed the video, and I’ll see you in the next one…