How Do I Break Out Of My Shy Quiet And Different Label And Be Confident?



What a great question! Thanks for asking!

Because I can’t see a profile connected to the inquirer, I’ll just assume you are a male in his late teens to early twenties, because that’s what I can relate to best. Just know that the advice in my answer is applicable to you, no matter how old or what sex you are.

Rather than the usual shyness advice I want to make sure you learn from people who have really gone through it. Like struggled with social anxiety for decade and come out on the other side level of gone through it. If this is your first visit to Social Professor make sure you check out the shy to social page and grab the free audiobook ‘how to talk to anyone’ which is going to turn your life around.

How to get rid of the “shy” label

You mention a label. See, a “label” is nothing more than a role people ascribe you. You behaved shy and quiet for long enough that people (unconsciously) decided, “Hey, Frank has been a shy person all along. I bet he will also be a shy person in the future. So let’s treat him like the shy person he seems to be.”

Every time you act shy these people feel confirmed in their opinion about you. And it’s becoming increasingly hard for you to change their opinion.

But of course there is a way. (isn’t there always a way?) It’s not a fun way, or a short way. But it will lead to the results you are looking for.

So, full of hope you step out into the harsh world out there and yell, “Hey everyone, I am no longer shy! So treat me like an outgoing person now!”

You probably guessed it, it doesn’t work like that.

You have confirmed people in their opinion about you time after time after time after time. For years your behavior told a story about you. And just because your words tell a different story all of a sudden, doesn’t mean anyone should believe you.

So our challenge is changing the opinion of all the people you know. Let’s create a checklist with possible ways to do so.

Telling everyone you are not shy anymore. -> Tried it already, didn’t work. Giving money to everyone who treats you like the life of the party. -> Could get quite expensive. And who knows, maybe everyone would just lie to you to extract cash. Taking on a new identity and leaving forever to start a new life somewhere else where it’s sunny all the time. -> Sounds promising, but maybe a little drastical. Showing them: Improving your social skills and expanding your comfort zone in social situations step by step. -> A sound strategy that is my very young Padawan.

Ok we have a winner. Self improvement it is. How can you start?

With a list.

To quote Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory:

If I were to make a list of things that make me feel more comfortable, list would be on top of that list.

Create a list

I want you to make a list of all the situations that have made you feel uncomfortable to a point that caused you to act shy in the past five years. Don’t do it now, though!

Buy a blank notebook that you carry with you at all times. (or just use the note function of your phone) Then whenever you feel the “shy feeling” write the situation down.

Visualize

Next step is writing down, or at least imagining, what the ideal action in those situation would have looked like to you.

An example:

Let’s say you wrote down, “Presentation I held in front of the whole class.”

How would you have liked to behave and feel in that situation? Imagine it.

You stand in front of the class, both feet on solid ground. Your voice is strong and loud. No mumbling, no sweating, no racing heartbeat. You made a joke and everyone laughed. The cute girls in the first row even ran their fingers through their hair and looked you in the eyes.

Besides making you feel good, visualizations are a great way of changing how you view yourself. How are others supposed to view you differently if you don’t view yourself differently?

Failing is fun, fun, fun

Like it or not, you are going to fail many times throughout your lifetime. It’s going to happen with 100% certainty. Now, if we can’t avoid it, why not have fun with it?

“How can failure be fun Julian? Are you bad crap crazy?” Maybe, but that’s, not the point.

Failure in a young person’s life is most often not severe. I am talking about stuff that’s embarrassing. Stuff that gets you grounded. Stuff that hurts your ego. Stuff that hurts your balls for a while.

It sucks, but it’s not lethal. (although a good kick in the groin sure feels like it)

When you think back to the failures in your early teens (or whatever time period you consider early in your life) you will probably either not even remember your failures from back then, or you will be able to laugh about it.

The same will happen with your current failures. As I like to say, “The mistakes of today are the funny stories of tomorrow.”

Reframing how you think about failure will give you relief from the dreaded embarrassment. It allows you to become a more chilled and fun person.

Seriously, it’s getting serious

Now it’s time to do a few things you may not be too keen about doing. That’s fancy words for what I am about to tell you is going to suck.

Pull out your notebook or wherever you wrote down all the situations you felt uncomfortable in. Pick the least intimidating and do it. Yes, just do it. Face your demons.

If it’s too hard for right now, then find out how you can take a smaller step. E. g., asking a cute girl for directions is easier than asking her out. Increase the difficulty over time.

Go through all the situations you listed in your notebook but also add new situations to the list as you go. The rest is just practice.

If you incorporate this simple exercise into your life, I can’t even begin to imagine how great of a person you are going to become.

Confidence comes from knowing you are going to be ok no matter what happens. Always remember that.

I wish you all the best. By the way, congrats on the guts it takes to actively do something about your situation instead of remaining a victim all your life!

This answer originally appeared on this Quora question on Shyness.

How To Stop Being Shy: Fast Identity Change Techniques To Build Self-Confidence

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Transcription

how do you stop being so shy so maybe right now you are someone who avoids social interactions you avoid parties you avoid conversations with people you avoid all types of situations where you have to break out of your shell right so how do you break out of that and how do you get to the point where you can be more socially interactive you can be more out there you can be more outgoing with people it was a very simple process because what may happen with you either you went through an experience maybe you got bullied or maybe you went through a breakup something happens some experience happened where you decided that from that event the meaning that you got from that event was something that destroyed your self confidence or maybe someone has just given you the label that you are this introverted person or you are shy someone said that to you and you took that label on and you took that identity on and now that you go throughout your life with that identity the label that you are shyer here is the first thing to break out of the shyness the first thing you need to do is number one you need to acknowledge that shyness is just a label and that you are not just one thing you are not just shy because I’m I can guarantee that there’s certain people that you’re where they’re at there are certain people as family members as friends there’s maybe even certain situations where you get in a mood where you aren’t shy so what is that all about because you are not just that one thing identity is such a big thing I all want identity here it is just a belief about who you believe you are but when you start to break out of that paradigm of thinking and stop identifying yourself with certain things such as I am shy or I am even loud even when you just start to be flexible with your communication you will notice that you’ll be more outgoing because as I mentioned in previous videos your behavior always matches up with your identity I personally got bullied as a kid and I used to be this very shy person and I remember there was one time rails in my car listening to an audio from Tony Robbins and he said the u pass doesn’t equal your future and for me the meaning that I got from that was hmm so even though in the past I have been Shire that doesn’t always have to equal what I have to be in the future so here is my simple form of you number one acknowledge that you are not just one thing you are a lot of things you can be outgoing you can be playful you can be those that type of person with certain people so you are that number two in order for you to unleash that what you need to do is break out of that identity do things you normally wouldn’t do whether that’s going out to a party or going out to the pub or going out to the club or going out and talking to random strangers do something that you normally wouldn’t do or even it with a conversation really try and engage in that conversation and what’s going to happen is there’s going to be some resistance that starts to build up I got that so for example for me what I did I did public speaking I started making videos I started talking to strangers and when you start to do all those things you start to change your identity those experiences break through from this label that you’ll put upon yourself so that’s number two and number three what I want you to do is I’ve actually actually want you to do this before you go into the second set that I just gave you the third thing that I want you to do is I want you to consciously write down who you are and start to speak that every single day so instead of unconsciously allowing the environment to to determine who you are you consciously write down this is Who I am write down a list and then from that create affirmations or incantations and I’ll leave a card up above that shows you how to do that start to speak that what you wish to become when I’m driving I’m speaking out loud that what I wish to become I am X right and you say that again and again and again and when you speak that out with conviction and emotion you will become that you will start to override any other limiting beliefs that you’ve had in the past so do those three simple steps and you’ll notice a massive change in your identity so I really hope that you enjoyed this video leave a comment down below let me know what you thought and until I see you in the next video remember Louisville living things and most importantly love myself..

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Comment (17)

  1. Today marks day 32 of videos in a row! I’m going to be making a video tomorrow about where the content of this youtube channel is going to be heading along with what I learned during the last 32 days.

    I was meant to be doing 60 days in a row however I’ve made a decision to do 30 days instead of 60 and I’ll be going over why in tomorrows video 🙂 Be on the lookout!

  2. I’ve been shy since I was a kid now I’m 24 years old and it seems like it got worst. I only have 1 friend, I don’t party, I always ignore invites, I hate talking to people because I start shaking, etc… these are lot of stuff to fix and I don’t know if that’s just shyness. It’s bothers me a lot that it gets me mad every time. Also, after I’m done talking to someone, I also get mad thinking that I looked weird to the person and that’s why the conversation ended.

  3. I don’t want to small talk with people I don’t know, without sounding rude, some times I just don’t care enough to talk to some people, I’m quite a lot of the time, and only talk when it’s about something i have good input about, I don’t believe in just talking for the sake of it, but when I do talk about things, it’s really coming from somewhere of truth and something I have really thought about and has meaning and that way I’m really being me, not just talking because socially I feel like I should, but this is just how I feel, but as you said in the video, i think for people that want to be more open, these are good tips

  4. I like your insight. I think you’re very smart and definitely deserve more subscribers and views then you already have.

  5. This video made me so emotional. Everything you said made absolute sense. I have the label of being shy especially at school and it’s so hard for me to break from it. This video made me realize so much.. thank you.

  6. I want to be nice and talk to everyone butttttt I don’t want to be annoying or anything… Plus when I talk to people I get nervous… Even around family members and then start stuttering. The only time I feel like I could talk without feeling ok with it is when I’m on tumblr and stuff where no one really knows who I am personally

  7. Sometimes my shyness gets the best of me and sometimes it works with me. I choose not to talk in front of large groups or to people unless they speak to me

  8. I’m extremely shy and my older is so extroverted that it always seems like my friends rather be with her than me, since they talk to her a lot and joke around, which in a way makes my shell thicker everytime. I seriously don’t know what to do about that.

  9. For me I’m very afraid guy i don’t know how to overcome my shyness and talk a lot I tried like 3 time shrinks nothing works even my family r worried that I don’t even talk to them I have 0 friends and got bullied in age of 14 years old

  10. I think the main reason why I’m shy is not becos I’m scared but becos I can’t think of anything to say to people

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