Confident Conversations – Turn Your Filter Down To Improve Your Social Life

Confident Conversations – Turn Your Filter Down To Improve Your Social Life

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do you get stuck in conversations where you don’t know what to say next do you have a sense of fear when it comes to what if there’s a pause or a lull in the conversation and then I won’t know what to say to fill the space or maybe you are scared that so the point where you don’t even go talk to some you don’t even start the conversation because you see someone over there that you want to talk to you maybe you’re single and you want to be able to meet an attractive woman or you are in a relationship but you just want to make more friends meet more people and you see someone you’re drawn to you want to go get to know them but you don’t and you say well I don’t know what to say I have no idea how it even start the conversation well that’s what this video is going to help you break free of this video is all about how you can turn your filter down to turn your social life up and how the degree to which you’re filtering yourself is blocking you from really having the connections that you want but also the social freedom that you want the social comfort that you want so what’s this idea of a filter well you probably know what I’m already talking about but imagine like things go through your head all the time and you filter most of them out we all do and there is a benefit to this right so if I’m sitting in a meeting at work and I have the thought Wow my boss looks really fat and unhealthy today if I were to say that Wow sir you look fat not healthy today I probably would have a job for very long same thing goes for if you’re talking with a good friend or a woman asks you a question about her appearance it’s best to probably not just be brutally honest we have a filter we just don’t say those things but the challenge when it comes to shyness and social anxiety is your filter is turned way to high you know a little bit of filter is good too much filter is bad then idle is one from personal experience because I spend so long and a big component of my shyness was I’d be filtering everything you know be in a conversation with someone and I’d be thinking no should I say that or not I mean are they gonna like that are they gonna be interested in that should I tell them that story what if they’re not interested in that story if I talk about this thing that I’m interested in are they gonna think I’m boring is that are they gonna like me if I share this about myself are they gonna find me you know negative or annoying am I show this other thing about myself so I’d go through all of this pathways in my brain to determine if I should share something or not well what do you think happens the moment passes like that right like conversation connection all that stuff in a social interaction if it’s gonna be fun and engaging and alive it’s got to be spontaneous and so if you’re filtering 74 questions in your mind then by the time you get the answer to that output the moment is passed and you don’t say anything and then you feel stilted and awkward and you’re not really present so we have to learn how to break out of that filter I mean I remember I was so filtered I was so filtered and confined in that that I would be filtered even when we know and well that no one else was around I remember one time I was looking in the mirror in my house and I had heard the song on the radio that I liked and I was just kind of like it was going again and again in my head and so I was like washing my hands or face or whatever in the mirror and then I just like started to burst out and song about the you know referencing the song I just heard and him as soon as I did I felt the squeezing feeling in my throat it was like ah and I was like I can’t do that and I don’t do that I can’t filter that filter that and this was amazing because no one else was around that was actually a shocking moment for me when I looked at myself in the mirror and said wow I’m so restricted that I’m so shy that I’m shy even with myself so you’ve got to break through that filter you got to turn that filter down because that’s where all your best ideas are your best jokes your humor your energy what your passions are your spontaneity all of that comes when you turn the filter down so how do you do that well you basically just start practicing saying things blurting things when they come to your mind in a conversation they could be a question someone sharing something about you know they took a trip somewhere or they had something over the weekend that they did say Oh interesting what about blah blah blah or did you see this or oh that’s that’s cool I was wondering about that and you just blurt whatever your question is don’t worry about is it is it inappropriate should I not interrupt them are they gonna think that I’m weird if I ask this question now assuming you’re asking stuff in the band of relatively normal you’re not saying well what color are your underwear today you know I filter that stuff out but my guess is is if you’re stuck in shyness and social anxiety your filters too high so you can go into the range that feels a little risky a little scary for you and you’re going to be fine no one’s in you’re going to notice in fact they’re probably gonna notice in a positive direction like wow Aziz is a lot more fun to talk to you recently you know just asking questions you can just share something spontaneously from your own experience so someone’s like oh yeah I travel here and stuff oh that’s interesting I’ve been wanting to go there because XY and Z I heard they have this there and you just share something and you start focusing more on what do I want to get out of this conversation how can I learn more about them how can I share more of myself you start focusing more on that and less on are they gonna like this because that’s really all the filter is is are they gonna like this and you know what blew my mind about the filter as I was talking with a client about this recently and he’s filtering everything I was like well what are you filtering it based on and he didn’t know he had to kind of dig and eventually we came to Wow I want to say the right thing fair enough what’s the right thing well it turns out in his mind the right thing is the thing that the other person likes so he could say the exact same thing to two different people and if one person approved and thought it was great then it was the right thing if one person didn’t like it didn’t get the joke or was annoyed or bored by what he was saying that it was the wrong thing and he shouldn’t have done it I’m like well that is crazy making how are you supposed to operate are you supposed to do what you want during the day if you’re always trying to filter to I want to make sure that it’s not the wrong thing so you got to turn your filter down start blurting things out start sharing stories start making jokes start asking questions that you are curious about start sharing things about your own life hey how’s it going today oh pretty good man I saw the craziest thing on the way into work or I was listening to this funny thing on the way yesterday Oh yesterday I watched this louis c. k stand up it was great you just spontaneously share things about your life now one more thing I’m going to share about this is I can pretty much guarantee that as you start doing this it’s gonna be uncomfortable it’s gonna be different it’s a new way of being in the world and that’s how you need to be if you’re going to break through shyness and develop the confidence you want you have to take risks and be a new way in the world so here’s the thing though you gotta not look back as you’re climbing the mountain I talked about this in depth in the confidence code where we go into the nine elements of social mastery and this is just one of them but don’t look down when you’re climbing the mountain you know if you’re if and that’s what we do in conversations we’re chatting you spontaneously say something and then instead of being in that moment with that person you break and all of a sudden now you’re in your mind replaying that thing that you said why don’t I tell them the story about the eggs I bought the egg that was cracked why don’t I say that that’s so boring and stupid oh my god and now you’re stuck in that moment and you’ve lost the interaction when in reality it would have been no big deal because people say stop stupid stuff all the time it doesn’t mean anything it doesn’t matter it’s just you know an exchange of connection between you so you could be done with that moment and on to the next one even if you did tell a story or made a joke that wasn’t funny you just keep rolling you just keep moving and that’s that’s when you know that you’re starting to get more free when you stop replaying and recounting and grinding away over everything again and again and again so to do that basically just tell yourself I’m not gonna do this and if you notice your mind replaying something in the moment say hey don’t look down look forward don’t look back keep going so if you want to go deeper with this check out the confidence code I go into all the elements of social mastery and of course if you want to go even deeper contact me about confidence coaching and if there’s space and it works out it’s a good fit there’s no end to what we can shift together so thanks for listening and until we speak again may have the courage to be who you are you..

Rather than the usual shyness advice I want to make sure you learn from people who have really gone through it. Like struggled with social anxiety for decade and come out on the other side level of gone through it. If this is your first visit to Social Professor make sure you check out the shy to social page and grab the free audiobook ‘how to talk to anyone’ which is going to turn your life around.

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Comment (8)

  1. I do that all the time like you mentioned thinking to myself if I said something offensive to someone or if I did something wrong.I may look back at certain things that i did and am embarrassed.

  2. Dr. Aziz, my problem seems to be related to finding words when engaged in a conversation. I have no such problem when thinking or writing, only in conversation.

  3. Thank you so much for this. I haven’t had a chance to use this as I literally just watched it, but I have a question. I really want to talk to people and I try sometimes, (these people are often my old friends) but I cannot get a conversation to carry on because I am so bland that I have absolutely nothing to talk about. Do you have any advice for this? I always find that, if I say something, people do not find it funny or interesting and it always stumps the conversation. Also, if the conversation is not 1 to 1 or someone isn’t speaking directly to me, I always get absolutely terrified to interject or join in. If you have any advice, please let me know. Thanks a lot.

  4. hey doc, I am a university student, and I am always playing future and past events in my mind and keep thinking maybe I should have say this instead of that, also I often want to please ppl all the tym and jealousy is a huge problem which is why I don’t have gud frnd, to be honest no frnd …plz tell me wat I should do and which would be a gud program for me.cheersSumi

  5. hi doc been watching video,s worked great for me putting things in to action, but went out sat nite with mate to club having great time when we noticed 4 ladies looking our way so when i went to the bar i asked them if they would like to join us (first time ever i have done this) success they came over & general talking even though i am very shy i do like to dance music was playing so i asked one girl to dance she said no thanks i went anyway,when i returned she asked me if i was gay sum what bemused by this question & had few beers i sed to her give me a kiss then you will find out! she declined and left. question is why do women who don,t know me say im gay not the first time this has happened. its funny as none of my male friends see this within me,your advise would be appreicated,dave


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