Assertive Conversation Skills – Techniques To Tackle Unhelpful Behaviour Within The Workplace

Assertive Conversation Skills – Techniques To Tackle Unhelpful Behaviour Within The Workplace

Prefer to read?

good afternoon everybody and thank you for joining today’s webinar a xxx conversation skills my name is Sara Gonzalez I am an employee of red bag conferencing and your facilitator for today’s session so today is all about assertiveness and useful techniques to tackle unhelpful behavior within your workplace so before we get started I just want to go through a few rules for newcomers and those of you who haven’t joined a red back conference the webinar will be in listen only mode so this means if you do wish to ask a question or communicate with either the presenter or myself simply type it to the messages box which is located in the bottom right corner of the screen also do keep in mind that the session is being recorded and upon completion of a satisfaction survey you will receive an email within 48 hours containing a link to the require and also just to note that if you do experience any issues in hearing the sound coming from your computer please feel free to listen to the webinar through your telephone so if you take a quick look into the messages box on the bottom right corner you’ll find there the 1 800 toll free number and also a passcode simply enter that follow the prompts and you’ll be able to listen to your telephone so before I pass the microphone on to Yvonne I just like to give her a brief introduction as I’m sure she’s going to inspire you all so if either exudes her passion in enabling others to be more assertive she has over 20 years of experience teaching within the corporate world of advertising sales as well as management she has worked with a number of large organizations such as News Limited and Fairfax Media she runs medicine training an inspirational experimental and fun filled Learning and Development Programme medicine training specializes in people skills to produce profitable knowledge to generate profitable relationships so before we start off and we hand over to Yvonne I just want to get you all familiar with the technology and how to use the messages box so if you can all just type into the bottom right hand corner where you’re actually joining from today and what the weather’s like and I’ll just make some of you jealous by letting you know that wearing TV at the moment and the weather is absolutely stunning outside so there we go we’ve got people joining from Canberra as well North Sydney so that’s not far from us Melbourne is nice as well there we go 24 in Hobart mm hmm there we go Melbourne is actually holiday soon is excellent ok so before we do get started just a brief overview of what we’re going to actually cover today so the importance of assertive conversations is something that we all want to know about otherwise we wouldn’t have registered for the webinar today we’re also going to see how assertive conversations can benefit all involved as well as learning how to build great relationships and business success and I bet there’s a few people out know out there who would love to know more about that and then finally we’re going to get some ideas and tips and techniques that you can use and hopefully take away and employ within your workforce today so without any further ado I’d like to hand over to Yvonne and so you can get started thank you Sarah and welcome everybody so a set of conversations the ingredients there’s at least nine ingredients that you can see there and our focus today is really on the techniques but I wanted to give you the big picture to start with and so we act as conversations and we’ll come to exactly what that is shortly we do need to plan and prepare so in fact is that something that you actually do and why do we need to do that for the right people are there at the meeting and so to give you confidence we need to get everyone’s cooperation and buy in and in an ideal world and because assertiveness is all about them expressing and advocacy and speaking up as well as empathy and all within an umbrella of respect and we do all need to be prepared to to speak up ideally we’ll have an outcome that we’re working towards but we may need to be a bit flexible there next time an empathy we do really prior to the conversations especially if it’s an important conversation around unhelpful behaviors it’s a really good idea to look in to the shoes or step into the shoes rather and look through the eyes of the other people who are there so that then you can all see come to an outcome or think of an outcome that will be a win win for everybody we absolutely need to be focused we do ideally need to exemplify if you like leadership and grace and that’s an interesting thing I think to put in there it the grace is around the respect for all the people involved and it’s great actually if everybody has a different point of view there’s a kind of nice reframe and then then we actually come to the techniques which is what actually the focus of this webinar so what are assertive conversation a third conference of our conversation is what do you think of it it’s a two way it’s true way if any on the type of conversation it can be 50/50 and it’s where it comes from the position of mutual respect and valuing yourself to speak up and being able to hear and understand and comprehend and appreciate the other’s point of view without necessarily agreeing and why are they increasingly important again that’s a very good question isn’t it and some of these questions that she came from your your questionnaires when you said what you wanted to get out of this webinar and they’re increasingly important because there is so much aggressiveness and helpful behaviors people have said that if everybody had these skills which are which are practical and one can learn them because the key is a few practice them to get good and it would make a huge difference to the world and old ways versus new ways and well so the always you know of in the past you know command and control and you will do this really totally out the window the new way is build relationships understand each other cooperate and and sort of that that is our focus that’s the focus for success really so before we get further I wanted to do a poll because every interesting to see what is your perhaps default behavior that might be being and Sarah thank you for that so hopefully it doesn’t happen but let’s say the boss is yelling at you and what is your immediate reaction so do you do you yell back the agreed to tea and say nothing you just take it for the moment or do you give a calm resourceful response this is actually what you do not what you’d like if anyone has anything else that they are do as well feel free to type that into the messages box we’d love to you in some other responses that come out of it what are some other common ones that you hear quite regularly bond and what I mean that those are the main maintains if you like of of it I mean yeah I would actually say that as most answers will fall into one of those four buckets which you probably cannot guess is is an aggressive passive aggressive and passive and assertive okay Berta’s saying that she laughs so that might be another way to deal with it well I think I are live laughter laughter diffuses tension and humor Alaska is one of the best absolutely the best strategies in an assertive conversation if you can get everybody to laugh at the start of the meeting then everybody actually had endorphins running through their sister natural happy drug so we feel good and it’s a wonderful thing to do so not all of us are joke tellers about American research actually says about about 92% yes 2% of people can tell jokes but ninety eight percent or more have a sense of humor so yes so get everybody to laugh okay so responses okay so okay so so two percent would be aggressive pull em into the gressive bucket passive aggressive you know grip if you say nothing 18% 33 just take it for the moment which is most behavior and calm resourceful responsive assertive thank you thank you and of course you know it depends those of you who know me and there are many on the webinar who do you know they’ll know that it depends of one of my two favorite words in the English language because it depends on the situation and the culture where you are the people the moon whatever so so yeah so it may be that you you could be capable of all all responses on different occasions so I’m asking you for the most common one and it brings us to another poll again this is has three polls and the really thing is to is to ideally actually helped me understand the level so this one is your knowledge of assertive skill so and one is poor threes okay five is excellent so what is your knowledge already and we’ve got the responses coming through now lovely mmm lovely lovely excellent okay yellow results review is on it there we go okay so 13.10 okay 35 good so I do a fair amount of work with Toyota and we have Kaizen so my idea would be by the end of the webinar if I asked you to do that I would hope you could tie down your response and in and move it up move it up so if you’re if you’re on a a Wan maybe you could get up to a 1/2 or a 2 or even a video 3 anyway just putting the thought out there though thank you thank you very much okay so battle 1 well I think I’ve just I just go back ok so how well do you use your assertive skills because it’s all very well to know with them but you know often often we know what to do but but actually we don’t we don’t follow through we don’t we don’t do it so this isn’t honest not where you’d like to be but do you actually use the skills that you’ve got so if you haven’t many skills now that’s interesting isn’t it you might actually use what you have very well so this could be open to interpretation excellent and we’ve got two answers which you’re looking quite similar with the amount of percentages so far so once again thank you for your responses we’re now going to close that and share the results there we go okay so $0.24 not very well so ideally at the end of the seminar or not the end of the webinar and you will you will have again and perhaps polished some of the skills learnt some new skills and techniques so again that if we were not going to do it but if we did that you could actually say that again use Kaizen that’s you’ve got an improvement and so 11 is to sum up somewhat well yeah extremely well a couple too so I don’t know where we’re going to go with you you never know you never know maybe you know there’s no such thing as perfection this is excellent so here we go so I love this model for assertive behavior assertive behavior in a nutshell is on one hand you have advocacy which is the ability to speak up ideally for yourself and express what you need and what you think we have a right to be able to do that an advocacy also implies that you will speak up for other people too if needed and in fact so in the workplace maybe whether you’re a leader or not the fact is that you could extend your influence and support through this kind of advocacy side of assertive behavior now the other thing is it’s balance so you see we pick up the balance between the speaking up and also empathy which is absolutely the right for the other person or the other people to also be able to speak their truth to speak up and to be heard so this is what in the assertive conversation that is actually happening both sides I’ll be able to speak their truth that’s what’s important to them how they feel what they want and also to have to be heard and the respect is if you like the umbrella so that’s the up rather over all of it and what happens is when respect goes that’s when the conversations can get unhelpful and it’s like what do you need to do to get that respect back and it’s to respecting obviously it’s both sides so actually that’s a good question what do you need to do to get that back and it’s look for the good in you and look for the good something that you like in that other person so that you will then that will come across if you like on an energetic level so it’s all actually about you it’s all about you your thoughts and beliefs your physiology that’s what you do with your body and your gestures your emotions and your language which is the words that you use and the tone that you deliver them in and the aim the aim is to get you resourceful we want a resourceful you if you are resourceful you will have a positive which will have positive physiology which will have positive emotion and therefore you’ll be positive language the beauty of this model I think is a its simplicity its got you at the center and the other wonderful thing is you can start anywhere so you can actually start and if you change your physiology so for example and angry I’m gonna do it I’m going to go off camera so she can shine up if you actually stand up and look up and smile your whole physiology to do it yes that’s right very well done you do your whole physiology actually impacts all of the other three and physiology activism is a really good place to start so it’s what what are you doing with your body that will set off an upward spiral so that when your physiology is up and so the endorphins start to kick in you change your biochemistry your emotions change so you’re more positive and your language in tone is therefore more positive and you’ll notice when you smile you smile if you speak with a smile or answer the phone with a smile it’s a very different tone or I’ll do it hello welcome to Madison training this is Yvonne tour welcome to Madison if you’ve gone I love you but it’s very different and so what we do with our physiology will also affect the way the language comes out and then of course in it can affect our thoughts and beliefs and or you can start with these thoughts or you can start with your language or you can start with your emotion but but the aim is putting a really quality assertive conversation would be to have you both very resourceful you know going back to the big picture have those nine things in place and start yourself on this upward spiral of physiology thoughts emotions and language okay well this webinar is actually about unhelpful behavior I just want to just spend a tiny little bit of time this is actually a slide from one of my session allotment and bullying workshops and things so this this aggressive behavior it can be physical verbal you can read that there’s many sorts of it the bottom line of course is extremely unhelpful but the other thing is actually illegal so aggressive behavior is illegal and whether you’re the manager the team leader or somebody who’s witnesses there are consequences and you know financial consequences potentially and through the legal system but also you know huge consequences through lost productivity feeling unsafe not coming to work perhaps potentially losing your job or leaving your job so it would be Sylla physical is it obviously there’s somebody throwing something at you the verbal would could be shouting if somebody takes your mail and trashes it in the bin or you know withhold information that you know you need for that report or intimidates or ratted you that is of course extremely unhelpful and just wanted to point out that that is against the law and that’s probably another read conference days now this other sort of behavior that’s not aggressive but that is needed in the workplace and sometimes can be interpreted it’s not helpful so you know it’s back to it depends so for example you know difference of opinion or different points of view are very valid I don’t know who said this and I love it it’s if you and I are totally the same and we agree on everything one of us is redundant you know healthy this healthy different points of view and also the ability to respect the others point of view and again if you are resourceful in yourself you’ll be able to do that of course there are things like poor management practices so this could be where so rosters are mismanaged could be a poor management practice could be you’re left out of being invited to the meeting now if that obviously happened a lot could be interpreted as an bullying but it could be an accident or it could be because of the systems are down and of course performance management is an integral part of of the workplace I mean we need to know when we’ve done a good job or an excellent job of also when our performance is under par so to have a conversation around that but is respectful is again very important so there’s different sorts of behavior there I’ve gone back okay here we go ballin oh there you go so so we’re back it’s okay so we’re going to look at the seventh webinar is going to focus on these four areas so I suspect we have about we’d probably have about eight minutes on each of these now at the end of each of the four we’ll take questions so let’s let’s go let’s go let’s start if we could start anywhere but let’s start with your thoughts and beliefs okay for each I’m going to give you about three tools and techniques so with our thoughts and beliefs and ideally the more positive we can make our thoughts and beliefs that the better it will service so I see how do we do it well what we do is we perhaps get resourceful so our physiology kicks in and instead of thinking oh like poor me or this oh you know the outcome or it’s going to be awful it’s like how can you again the physiology of looking up and smile might help you in terms of what’s good about this how can we make this meeting the best what do we need to do what’s good about this other person so positive positive thoughts lead as we’ll see to positive language okay also in being assertive is number two here which is actually separate the person from the behavior so for example if the behavior is unhelpful you know in what way well it could be that the behavior is idiotic in which case you know if you were being aggressive you would say you idiot it’s not really very helpful and if you were assertive and you actually got yourself resourceful and you’ve separated the person from havior you could then actually say you could respect the person and just say that behavior is unacceptable again you would probably not want to label it idiotic so you might be tempted but things though with our mind is if we’re thinking it so if we are actually thinking it yet it’s going to leak so we do need to get our thoughts under control and again awareness is one of the keys in my workshop something that so people who have a lot of negative behavior or as a result of negative thoughts a lot of negative thoughts and if I just say that we talk to ourselves how many times a day I wonder I might ask you to think about that so you actually say sixty four thousand times a day we are talking to ourselves it’s like a running commentary now a question if other it’s other stuff the same as they were yesterday and the day before and the day before and are they negative or positive I really do hope that your thoughts positive because we have to get what we expect so for those of you who know that your thinking can be very critical you can be more of a pessimist and one of the ways to do is to actually put a rubber band on your wrist for as long as you want but a day is often enough and every time you have a negative thought you just ping it of course it it hurts a little not you know not too much but that is your trigger to actually change your thought to something more empowering something more positive and it actually it really does work so you could be freaking yourself 64000 masochist see hopefully we learn yeah we would learn you know after after 10 times anyway it actually does work so the so negative to positive separate the person from the hit behavior and then use perceptual so we should spend hours on this so I hope you do realize that you’re getting the really fast track vision for a present okay so an assertive person will use the federal positions I would probably use it every day and many times several times a day first position is all about me so what do I want what do I need what’s my outcome I really need to know that of course if you get tied up in aggressive behavior that’s where you stay it’s like this is what I need you know do this for me you know it’s so we need to be able to balance that with the empathy so you know the first position is advocacy but taken to to greater level its aggressiveness so we need to balance our needs with understanding the needs of the other person which is second position so as metaphorically or or you can do it put their shoes on if you walk in their shoes you know and look through their eyes you have more understanding and again that’s really crucial to understand what the other person wants again it’s very respectful and then obviously in your discussion you can talk about it now if you are and some people who have today at Kopassus spend all their time in second position and if you spent it there well you’ll be a bit of a doormat you know you’ll be walked over and you need to ride up and be able to stand up and speak up and actually balance the two because empathy is a wonderful thing but you also need self love and be for yourself as well so and so there’s a classic first position taken to an extreme is agrestic unacceptable passive not really acceptable either and and so there is a third position which I like to call the helicopter and the helicopter means I can I can take the helicopter as high as our life to be disassociated from the feeling that I could have in first and second position and up there in the helicopter I can get resourceful even more resourceful I can think of options and ideas and then test them note back to first is that gonna work for me without a win for me testing for second is that a win for them because the aim in assertive conversation would be to have a win win as the outcome so ideally all user met and will actually come shortly to a really good technique to do that a very impractical one so what unbeliev any question no questions coming through yet so far but we were asking first of all if anyone does its currently experiencing non aggressive behavior in the workplace and Paola said that yes to some degree do you from your experience in your work and obviously your training do you find that an non aggressive behavior happens a lot more than the aggressive behavior because it’s sort of hidden beneath it probably probably right actually you’re probably right because assertive aggressive behavior is out there in the face it’s a toxic culture it can be seen and and to sit on the passive side well in some respects you know they tend to go together because you’ve got the victim in the bully no so so it’s it’s like you know I would hazard a guess that there probably is more passivity actually yeah I think that intuitively that kind of feels right and I’m not sure of any research although actually there was some research just done recently by the Australian Institute of workplace behavior and they interviewed 21,000 people in Australia who had been bullied or harassed and they said something like of their results 84 percent of people who witnessed bullying did nothing nothing and did nothing and also felt that the organisation couldn’t do anything for them either this helpless just helplessly month right and then only 2 percent of cases were resolved by litigation and the other interesting statistic was a third is actually not not reported bullying because and why is that this generally speaking because they don’t believe that the culture will do anything about it hopefully we’ve a lot of media attention though that statistic might change that’s actually current that’s this year’s that is this year’s yeah but I agree with you and it’s much more prevalent and of course armed with assertive conversation skills or a service skills just generally it gives you the confidence to stand up new to bullies and just on their 1 2 3 grid there and Dean has asked is the 3rd position like looking at what the business needs common to both in the conversation so taking more of a bird’s eye approach and seeing what the business is corporate or strategic goals are and then working on that yeah ok it’s good yeah so there’s two ways to look at that you can either look so if it’s if it’s a workplace meeting so there can be you and I Sarah yep we can we can view the read back yes you like as a as an entity in itself rather than as another person and then we can also go into the helicopter and get ideas for all of us ok all of it so it can be interpreted in both ways yeah excellent thank you so we might move on to our physiology unnerving and I’ve already demonstrated some of it and open body language you know the aggressiveness of this is what you will do what is it’s not productive it’s not helpful it may get you a very short term win but people will love them and ermine you it is except unacceptable it is against at all and then of course the body the body and the physiology of timid is you actually want to make yourself possible and so you know everything you know it’s like I don’t have the right to be forgotten has encouraged so what we need to do is if we change of what we do with our body so that we are for example put your feet flat on the floor put you feet sat on the floor or grounded pretty I need to do more of that we need to breathe so breathing you know even if he is breathing three times three deep breaths it will it will reset your biochemistry to something that is more resourceful so an open body language research has said although if you can see this other than fit but crossing your arms is actually quite comfortable and you could also if you were cold you would cross your arms but what is the truth from the scientific research says that you’re forty seven percent less likely to take in the message so we we do we do need to open up whether or not we we like it or not on this is like a you know it is comfortable and we are protecting our solar plexus yeah we need to have the courage and courage actually is a big thing about assertiveness I reckon to to value yourself and speak up and have that open body language to be centered and in fact to breathe so I might and I might the physiology is that because we’ve always done the look up and smile and smiling you know if oh if there was if there was just one one thing that you could do physiologically it would actually be that so I invite you to smile at everybody it anything you think are try it for an hour try it on the bus you know I like yawning actually smiling is contagious and you know how you know this is why this model it’s all about you it’s all about you and we cannot change anybody really but ourselves however however when we smile and therefore you smile back don’t takes two seconds to your endorphins to kick in and effectively you have helped them the other purpose and change their physiology moon so what can you do at the start of a meeting you know can everybody to share some some good experience that’s happen today or in the last week that approach is actually called appreciative inquiry it it’s getting everybody to be positive many of you who know me I use cross court and Sarah will tell you protocol which is using kinesiology to actually integrate the two brain five minutes before look like she was doing karate for that you are trying to sure it seems to avoid it does work and I encourage everybody at the start of a conversation assertive conversation which could be potentially challenging but you actually do something like that the other thing is everybody last and again you know endorphins produced in the mind and in your gut and then you flood the system so there we go just wonder if there are any questions around it what you can do more positively around your physiology don’t seem too many questions on this topic so far so we’ll move on to the next one indeed okay so we could spend hours on this again fast track version it’s the language now the language obviously is the actual words that we use and the tone of our voice and of all ready Illustrated how it can change when you put a smile on your face the tone of your voice changes so we can say exactly the same words and how we how we sound can be so different so I mean a simple one and it is them let’s see I liked your report I liked the report that you just handed in so you could say I like a very board or you could say the report or you could say you know I like the report you just handed in it’s only two pages in its extinct and it’s straight to the point so again you’ve got the difference again but what we’ve incorporated into all of that is is our physiology our mental state actually our emotions as well which we’ll come to next and I statement a key there like in the top three for a certain skill we for many of you who have perhaps have a background in sales and I do have we’re taught to say you a lot you know what’s important for you that’s that empathy what do you need how can i tailor what I’ve got to work what you need and of course that’s that’s one half of the equation the other thing especially you know when we’re dealing with unacceptable behavior or even in sales when you actually want and the person to buy what you’re telling and it’s I statements and the thing about I statements such as you know I need I want I’d like I feel I noticed is another nice one I noticed you know you you don’t seem to be yourself today what what’s going on and that clear there direct and they’re honest clear direct and honest I statement sometimes you’ll hear people say everybody everybody does this or everybody feels well we actually don’t know we actually don’t know what everybody feels however we can take ownership of I of I fear I feel upset but when when you late and what I’d like is I’d like us both to be here at eight o’clock in the morning as promised so it’s I feel I need I’d like and the what and the thing is it would go too overboard with the I then it’s all about me which is not very helpful so we do need to have that balance so the the sort of conversation would go and I’d like I’d like to listen to what you have to say to your point of view about the presentation about the report about what just happened so you you know respectfully invite the other person to speak and of course we we actually do need to listen listening coming up very shortly as well when we have to come and we’ve put it all together so we do need to listen and then having listened and reflected back for them oesn’t heard wishing then it’s our turn and that’s it’s about taking turns and being present for each other the other thing is is the actual word you and missus like some of the basic and the other word is to please remove is don’t you know don’t be late don’t walk on the grass don’t do that again don’t touch that and all of those because our our mind that we come back it’s all linked because our mind our subconscious mind thinks in pictures and doesn’t understand don’t it pictures being lazy being pictures walking on the ground and we need to actually get really clear and what we do want so we do want people to be on time who do want them to walk on the footpath we do want them to get that report in before the deadline just on that I’m Yvonne and there was a little glitch in the internet and a few seconds ago and just the last few seconds of the but information if you could just go back and repeat that for us apologies for that everybody just a little bit through the internet connection okay technology uh huh so okay so basically what grows and however if we were going to be advanced level then I might suggest that there are occasions when but could could still be in your vocabulary if you actually said something negative to somebody and and say okay so that report was no good but that and then negates the negative and then you can move on to the positive but it’s so a negative times negative is a positive but you know really it’s much simpler I think just to go and and if any of you have done any improv it’s all about accepting what’s given and building on it which is beautiful so in terms of language we can we can look at and the but the don’t stand i’m lafawnduh um yes ah next one this is really important and I’ve alluded to it already take turns to actively listen and then reflect back before you go on and there’s a wonderful there’s some wonderful words here and I really have used these in challenging situations where people’s perception being able that reminds people’s perceptions are so different about what happened so much so that they’re you know is a lot of conflict and you know relationships can break our or people could lose their job or you know somebody’s at the end of their tether and and I love it it’s actually again it’s really simple I see it differently from you again delivered you know feet flat on the floor very assertively I see it differently from you would you be willing to search for a solution better than either one of us may propose now of course they might say no no I’m not going to lease it just go oh you could all take a deep breath breathe and if they said yeah this is it so no one can make their point of view until they’ve restated the other person’s point of view to their satisfaction and so it might be Sarah I listen to you and comes listening along generally so I’m actively listening to you and and I’m act for me I would need to take notes just just a few brief notes so I really get it so I can reflect back what the facts are about feeling are Billy what your perceptions are so that you know that I’ve heard you and then you can say no I didn’t mean that that’s not what I said because this is a beautiful phrase I can never tell you what you said I can only tell you what I heard and it’s the truth you know and this is why there are conflict the world and everywhere because people people hear words but interpreters totally differently to what goes on in the mind so that’s an that’s a very beautiful technique and other say it really produces really good results but actually are better than either side would probably come up but the real real win win rather than say a compromise so another any questions around language emotions coming up in just going back to the more visual side of things that you spoke about earlier and Rebecca has are so if someone doesn’t smile back at you when you are using that smiling technique what is the best approach to take to that okay and so some people so some people don’t and some people won’t smile back but most people will and so if I get over it you know it just get over it’s nothing to do with you there’s all sorts of things they could have forgotten to put their contact lenses in so they can’t actually see you know they could be so and inside the sixty four thousand thoughts are going on in their head then again they just don’t see you so it’s just like get over it it’s really nothing to do with you proper focus on you feeling good and like move on as the next person Andrea exactly that pretty much to keep smiling and stay a problem if they want to be miserable or maybe like you said they may have some other things going on so Carolina has asked a question and I think you may or may not like and I think you don’t know that I have to actually get up and show people what you do alright alright what’s the physical thing you did before your presentation to get yourself in the right side of mind when you’re talking about physiology so it’s okay I can shine I can do it I’m just wondering her oh can you see it yeah so this is this is the simplest way it’s called cross call believe in your legs lift your leg yes the key is when your hand goes over your body to the other side what’s happening is the neurons are firing through the corpus callosum and so therefore the left logical brain is talking to the right creative brain and your arms are firing so in effect you’ve got the two working together it’s it’s kinesiology so it’s cross court that’s a simple way and then there is an advanced way but we might yeah well if you can just see it’s a bit more it hands to nose and cross over to the ear as you kind of bounce up and down so you can’t see that so it’s not just like here for those of you who don’t have access to the video your right arm to your left wave almost like it’s low Nutbush would you say how nice I’m Sarah hmm thank you for that Caroline seems incredibly relaxing so those are on the webinar who knew who know me and I’ve been in my training and workshops well no well no that that’s merely always how I start i gene gene or gene sorry has asked a question as well so if someone hears the words and interprets that negatively how do you bring them back to explain to them every time that what you really mean in a positive way since they’ve already heard already have a negative negative perception of you oh okay so if it sort of just can clarify that and so so if we role played it with you and I there are so you have a negative perception of something that I’ve done mmm okay and whoever I want I think was close okay so I’m from what I’m getting from this if someone hears words and you know how different people obviously interpret different thoughts negatively how do you then bring them back and sort of backtrack I guess and explain to them what you really mean is supposed to be positive but they’ve already got that original negative perception of you how do you how do you change that and to just keep talking do you try and separate the person from the behavior how does that not be well I mean that’s the key is actually a person’s behavior so it could be like it’s a bit like that exercising you and they just don’t get you or they don’t get what what you say so absolutely so that’s right mm from the behavior you know really get sent to them and present breathe and then I would actually start to ask questions that’s another thing that hasn’t really come up much yet but in in the languages I’m so glad it has how and what questions so I might sort of say to somebody who so I’d invite so it let’s say so I invited you too to reflect back on on the report that I wanted you to write for me and and and and you said ah I don’t want to do it that way or something like that and what I might actually it depends see we come back to it depends you know my favorite wood and event how long have known you what but I know you style but respectfully I could say well how would you like this to be mm hm so I I would actually put on my grounded assertive listening hat and pro rata probably not probe’s but just clarify so what happening here it could be like that what’s happening here this is what I’m saying and doing and it sounds like we’re going to go different senses it sounds like or it looks like or it feels like and your interpretation is different to mine mmm so we need to work on this yep so it’s again it’s it’s being cool calm professional balanced respectful you know those are those are the and resourceful we put all of that together I believe actually if we do we can handle anything any thoughts behavior and there are times when oh we’re going to get onto emotions now just quickly on that as well just to comment I’m Tracy and this is probably an entirely different other you could probably do an entire webinar on this in that email can easily easily be interpreted in the wrong way so written behavior is completely different isn’t it and it’s so hard to get that right I’m assuming absolutely absolutely and yes in fact some research was done by Nicholson’s Stephens and what they found it returned 75% of face to face communication it misunderstood ignored or forgotten now that’s face to face that’s appalling and you think about it again if we could if we could assertively and ask for you know and could you repeat back what I said you know I’ll reflect back it’s just so it’s better if it’s 75% for face to face what is it going to be over the phone even higher email even higher it’s like please please if you’ve got an unhelpful behaviour to handle please have a straight face because if you do all of it with email it can be so more misunderstood because there’s no tone there’s no gestures you know to to to look at yeah okay yeah I’d like to know we drove up several more questions coming through but I think we’ll continue on to the next income before we open up the entire question perhaps right so I’ve got emotions and then a couple more things and then one can have some more questions so you know the fourth thing so you know so it’s all linked our mind our language our physiology and our emotions and we can start anywhere in the circle and and actually again the idea is to get something positive so we start an upward positive cycle so in terms of emotions and you notice for each of the three areas is in a one hour webinar I’m just kind of giving you three three nugget nuggets of gold so emotions first of all is so important and acknowledge them so we need to you know and this is where it ties in with the language and the thought you know I feel upset now I can say I feel upset assertively without either bursting into tears or off smacking you in the face so and the first step is to acknowledge and accept that’s what we’re feeling because when once we do that we can then move on and in fact we can ask you then the third one is actually transform that language that our emotions come to that in a minute that widen the gap is is a wonderful technique so when something happens like something does something so so again so they’re late or they disappointed you or there’s some some way being unhelpful what can happen depending on our base is we can have and I don’t know if it can do it immediate reaction I’m just moving back from capping the patella of my knee and what happens is the knee is just yes and this this is what this is unhelpful so it faces unhelpful behavior we can we can get into a cycle of you know you know why do you always do this or you know it’s like oh like breathe get yourself resourceful and it’s a technique called widen the gap and widen the gap is so here is the event what we need to do is put some space between the event and our response so a knee jerk reaction is it just you know we just you know we just shout back or we dissolve into tears and we need to widen the gap so this is so we can bring our emotions under control but of course it’s also linked to our mind it’s helpful with what we do with our physiology as well so in so in widening the gap which encounter attend we can breathe we can go to the helicopter and all of that will actually help us and handle our emotions a lot better and I’ll just look at a time this is quite important so I might just show it and so I sent dr: Siegel came up with the concept of our brains okay actually I’m now integrating I might and just in bonnet just a bit because we’ve only got five minutes left and the parents are putting it all together okay dr. Seaver said think of your mind and you can google him this is our brain stem this is our reptilian brain this is our cortex and our prefrontal cortex now what happens is when under stress we flip under stress because inside our brain we’ve got amygdala who are automatically alert for anything that makes us feel uncomfortable and not safe its contact confident alarm and shakes the concert in looking out the Danger Danger Danger as soon as they see danger not point two seconds they fire the hypothalamus and then you’ve got the flight flight syndrome kicking in so the fighting is aggressiveness obviously disease that you’ve got passive aggressive no your freeze or you can you know over and away so what happens is we need to recognize and that if somebody has slipped and so that emotions are raw just by breathing three times deeply or county wanted can actually help the prefrontal cortex come back online and this is our rational brain this is our logical brain and this allows us to handle things you know calmly and cruelly what we need to do is recognize when we’re about to flip or before about just flip and take time out or go for a walk breathe so that we are resourceful and I just think that’s such a very simple such a powerful thing and so that integrates our mind it integrates the emotions we need we need our prefrontal cortex to come online and happy help us be this cool professional self that we can be and then of course the the physiology of that you know and the language also all linked and to listen we need to be present for the other person so there’s our mind we need the language actually we need to shut up that’s the first thing if we want to list them and then the physiology of listening is is like yeah like a tilted head or it could be yes tell me more mmm and then the emotions just put if you’re feeling a bit upset put your emotions to the side and just be present so have a look and just touching on this fact feeling or perception if you see it speaking facts it’s kind of logical so you know the conversation could be around the facts you can challenge the fact you can clarify the facts but back to the fact where as feelings we need to acknowledge and if feeling so if feelings a crop comes to the fore again talking facts are saying calm down so let’s talk about this logically write a list you know do’s and don’ts or benefits and costs and benefits no no you can’t do that you’ve got to actually acknowledge feelings and then of course if it’s perceptions if our perceptions are so different then get curious surgery is actually curious and ask what and how question sort of putting it all together and ideally you know I think being flexible is synonymous with being assertive and it’s then I haven’t touched on today but I have a model laughter success a practical guide to getting on with others and we do you know logic action fun and feeling different modes for different situations and it’s the flexibility to move around but no no your outcome coming back to the to the nine at the start again no your outcome and our own ego isn’t a nice concept so you know we know where we’re want to go but you know be flexible things happen and again appropriately unexpected it’s again by aligning positively our mind and our emotions our physiology and what missing whatever the other one you know the okay so okay so this is actually sighs I took for my sexual harassment and work and seven processes I really will nip it in the bud so unhelpful behavior if you can address it at the start it’s just so much more helpful than it because otherwise it escalates so address immediately have a process and we’ve done some processes today that you could use be very clear about the behavior you expect that you want so say it positively not negatively support your team its top down often I mean it actually also can be bottom up but basically the leader is the one who ideally would roam these very positive behaviors and ideally you work together to create the best culture that that you can have and so general question um yeah so we’ve reached two o’clock mine so you want to look quick summary yeah let’s do a quick summary and then for those of you who do want to stay on the line restaurants feel free for those of you who do have to leave and we would like to thank you for dedicating your lunch break in most states I think it would be now and if you do need to exit in order to receive the exit survey and also the materials from today simply click on the exit icon on the top right hand corner of your screen and the one that says exit and that will take you to that satisfaction survey and thank you once again for joining but we’re just going to finish up here with the final bits and we’ll go on the go thank you and just to let you know about some public courses by coming up to the really good so I’m just going to quickly knit back to the summary so if we’ve got ten if you like ten top that kind of will summarize it all together so everyone can benefit again it’s that sort of mindset about attitude you know everybody can it get resourceful so mentally emotionally physiologically and through our language be respectful because that creates report and if you want to get along where you want to be persuasive or influential and the report is is key it’s finding the common ground and respect and accelerate that separate the physical behavior go for win win outcomes and again we’re looking at the mind and the emotions and physiology and language so it’s a think it I think it feel it Oh wrong way there we go there we go listen empathetically go to second position first and length of their position which you live in a helicopter use I statements because they’re clear direction on and brief all we didn’t touch on this but it is so important refrain difficult to different so if it if it’s so in a nutshell they are some fast track version of this okay Sarah and you’re not difficult but just because it so everybody knows we good I’m really wonderful and but let’s say I wasn’t it’s here over here and you know I’m thinking are difficult but first thing is I’m sure it not everybody thinks are difficult select first thing and then you know what if I can go second position and look that different look they’re just different to me they’ve just got another point of view their point of view is valid if I come from that respectful position I’m actually going to be able to have a more productive relationship with them with the liquid in the bird and also practice to practice your practice it’s really it means many of you right at the beginning you know when we did the poll so a lot of you’ve got the expertise but you know are you using it and I mean I I teach a wonderful course and half a 17 years with Sydney Uni it’s getting what you want a service skills at all and we have a week in between the two days to practice and the people who practice come back and let me not have people come back with transformed their lives it’s like one beautiful woman in came unless she walked in her healthy ology was different and I knew we’re going to get a great story but she she had and had conservative conversations with her husband with her kids with anesthetist with her stuff you know everybody and her tenants and and just the result she said we just answer you know just she she said I’ve never been as happy in my life Wow because she she finally was able to speak up and state what was she needed merci what she was very timid and she actually put this all together so I helped bullies develop more empathy and I helped people who were timid and be more assertive be more vicious yeah so so those are two and for those of you are fairly advanced that I do do are wandering with to the Uni CCE and advanced skills and there we’ve got the little QR codes it you can zip it it will take you isn’t it wonderful it will take you to their website and also they’re getting what you want and and excellent great thank you once again on behalf of read back conferencing we’re just going to go to about two questions so we’ll get to those lightly I want everyone here and they’d on my mind so Darren how can you avoid using emotive language if you have a natural tendency to slip into this one being assertive if emotive language necessarily a bad thing and well positive emotive language is is a passion and enthusiasm and that’s a beautiful energy to to project and in fact if it’s passion its passion the pathways so in that sense and if we can up if you can up the the level of of our positive emotions and it will have an impact now of course the other the other way around is of course if you the more extreme or negative that you are yeah people just what want to be around you actually have you noticed that you know we tend to gravitate to people who lose energy we like who are more positive and so I would say go for it if it’s positive hmm excellent and and also from Jane again so if someone had a strong opinion on area of work that overlapped with yours what do you do or say to them if you do not agree with them I think that sounds quite common oh yes well and I actually thank you I get Q you I actually I really do it’s a mindset of curiosity so I’m and I I would perhaps a and I have a different point of view to you and and I see using at the end and the I and I would like I’d like you to to explain or talk to me about you know your thoughts or your point of view or your way of doing something and and then I’d listen I’d listen ideally totally respectfully and you know I expect to learn something new every day so I do it’s like that in this conversation than that you know I would actually approach it from that and how can I learn something from this and is this a different way to do something and I’m very open to to finding a different way not always a better way but often it could be a better way absolutely if that answers the question right and that’s all the questions that have come through now but um once this is over no doubt it will show up in your mind and you may think of some over the next 24 48 hours feel free to contact us or you’ve got Yvonne’s directed house there and I’m sure you should be really into helps you guys out any sort of questions that come up perhaps there’s certain situations within your organization’s at the moment either of us would definitely be and keen to help so I’ll hand it back over to Yvonne to make her closing comments but thanks once again for joining today’s webinar and there’s only two more read back webinars left at the end of the year so make sure you keep an eye out for those invitation so back over to you on well thank you all for being here it’s wonderful and I really do hope that you will implement like immediately because at the secret implement immediately the the tips and their techniques for many it might have just been a refresher but ask yourself you know and if we went back to the poll we’re going to but just in your mind or maybe the paper implemented all of the things must be at least you know full time story that at least twelve is not more techniques that you could use I wonder how have you guys and yourself I really do hope so and absolutely I’d love to see you on a course or coaching or whatever and I wish you well absolutely you know enjoy a tea and Jessica the results of your assertive conversation thank you..

Rather than the usual shyness advice I want to make sure you learn from people who have really gone through it. Like struggled with social anxiety for decade and come out on the other side level of gone through it. If this is your first visit to Social Professor make sure you check out the shy to social page and grab the free audiobook ‘how to talk to anyone’ which is going to turn your life around.

(Visited 1 times, 1 visits today)

You might be interested in

Comment (4)

  1. I share the dream of pepsickle. “It was the raising inflection at the end of every sentence as if every sentence is a question'”. To deal with that seeming obstacle, allow nothing outside of yourself to impact your reactions. The outside is really the reflection of the inner.

  2. It was the raising inflection at the end of every sentence as if every sentence is a question that put me off, shame because it sounded like there were some good skills within

  3. What an advice can you give it to me to improve my language cause i’m an arabic speaker actually i’m facing an issue with grammar and oral ,I expect to hear from you soon thanks


Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *