Are Shy People Always Nice?

I know a girl, who was really shy. We’d invite her to our birthday parties, and she’d come, but wouldn’t speak to us.

We’d try talking to her, but she wouldn’t talk back. In fact, only half of us (the people in our class) knew what she sounded like. Anyway, people started to stop inviting her to parties. Except me. For my eighth birthday, I invited my closest friends as well as the girl. We played icebreakers, and she made two friends, who became her ‘followers’, as in they always were trailing after her.

Rather than the usual shyness advice I want to make sure you learn from people who have really gone through it. Like struggled with social anxiety for decade and come out on the other side level of gone through it. If this is your first visit to Social Professor make sure you check out the shy to social page and grab the free audiobook ‘how to talk to anyone’ which is going to turn your life around.

I sat tried to become her friend; inviting her over to my house, sitting beside her in class, partnering up with her for P. E. Slowly, but surely, she came out of her shell. We became best friends. I started to realise that she wasn’t nice.

I had her over for a sleepover and all she did was talk about how much she hated her ‘followers’. She would call them losers and weirdos and clones, and make fun of their hair and clothes. I thought she was joking, but it seemed she wasn’t.

At break time, she’d pull a face at me when she had to go hang out with them, but she’d have a little superior smile on her face when two followers would fight over who got to be her P. E partner. She’d tell me that they were stupid and boring and creeps, but adore how they’d gush about their ‘very best friend.’

It wasn’t just them. After she spread her wings a bit, she became friends with nearly all the other people in the class.

At our sleepovers, she’d badmouth them too. “Lacey is a weirdo. Fiachra has no friends. Matthew smells. Saoirse doesn’t brush her hair.” I’d listen and just nod, even though I knew it was mean.

When we were around eleven, she started doing this on/off best friendship with her followers. She’d say to their face that she hated them, so they’d slope off by themselves. Then she’d make them apologise, and complain about how they abandoned her. This cycle went on for around three months.

For her twelfth birthday her aunt bought her a collectable china doll. Because a boy in our class, Sam, was there when she opened it, she named the doll Samantha. A few weeks later, when I came over to her house, I asked could I see Samantha.

“Who?” she asked.

“You know; your doll.” I said, feeling as if I’d made up her name.

“Oh, Victoria!” she said, taking out the doll from her wardrobe. “I don’t like Sam anymore, so now she’s called Victoria.”

Yep, changing her mind about someone as quick as that. I thought of all the bad things she’d said about other people, and started to wonder if she said them about me too. I wanted to know if I was as dispensable as a paper plate, or whether I was her real friend.

“Val is my best friend, but she’s, like, way too nice.” she told one of her followers. Her follower sidled over to me at break time and told Mr what she said. I desperately wanted her approval, so I joined in too. I’d tell the girl how the people in our class were ugly and weird and stupid, and called her followers ‘clones’ and ‘Dim Twins’ and ‘Tweedledum and Tweedledee’ (they were actually twins, by the way) We’d cackle together about what mere peasants they were compared to us.

When we got into sixth class, our teacher stopped letting us sit wherever we wanted. He had us sit in alphabetical order, four per table. I sat with two boys and one of the girl’s followers (the teacher wanted to place them apart so he could tell them apart)We all became friends and were always given out to for talking too much!

The girl, however, was put at a table with three other girls (one who later became part of her entourage and one who became my real best friend) The remaining girl was kind of strange: stared into space a lot, played way too much video games, liked Twilight (that was a joke, Quora peoples!) Anyway, so this girl didn’t invite the girl with the entourage to her birthday party. So entourage girl looked her up and down with disgust and asked the teacher to be moved. The teacher said no without even looking up from his planner. The girl was NOT happy, and started to encourage the other girls to shun her. I absentmindedly told my mam this and she looked shocked.

“Do not be friends with that girl.” she told me. As some of you know, I’m not usually one to follow my mother’s advice, but this time I did. I didn’t really talk to her anymore. Neither did her followers. They just kind of… drifted away from her. The girl started telling the other girls I was hormonal, and a freak and a nerd, and some believed her, some didn’t. The ones that believed her eventually drifted away too, all except one of the girls at her table. She played the part I used to play, the “Yes, miss,” “No, miss,” “Three bags full, miss,”. She was the new me. I didn’t need that girl’s approval anymore. I found myself new friends.

So, no, not all shy people are nice. Some, like my dear friend here, are b!tchy psychopaths who love mind games and toying with people’s emotions. xx

Edit: Wow! 191.3k views and 600 upvotes! This is very… WOW! Thank you people so very much for reading and upvoting my answer! XD

Edit 2: People have been asking what she is like now. Now we’re aged 14, and going into 2nd Year (Year Nine or Eighth Grade, I think) We were sorted into a lot of the same classes. Last year she did this whole “I’ve been through so much” thing, where she’d tell the other girls how horrible the girls in her primary school were to her. She’d say how they were bullies and picked on for no reason. She’d constantly change her opinion of me, one day saying how I was a freakazoid and a nerd and a loser, the next day fondly reminiscing of our friendship and talking about ‘the good old days’. She became one of the ‘popular girls’ for a bit, and had this boyfriend that she bought a Christmas present for. They ‘went out’ (by that I mean they didn’t even go out anywhere, they just texted ‘lysm’ and heart emojis to each other) for a good two months, until, while playing Truth or Dare, he was asked to break up with his girlfriend and he did it straight away, no questions asked. She cried for days over him, but got over it and decided to shift (slang for French kiss) other people’s boyfriends instead.

She tells one of my best friends stuff like, “I know, you’re Val’s friend, but…[insert malicious rumour]”, she told everyone I had a huge crush on one of my friends, she called me a ‘huge nerd’, which I didn’t mind until she dressed up in a school uniform, wore thick glasses, tied her hair into pigtails, and told me she was a nerd for Halloween (and looked me directly in the eye every time she told somebody what she was)

She was demoted to a regular person after the Christmas holidays, but she still thinks she’s one of the popular girls.

She called me a slut when I wore a halter top and high-waisted jeans, then wore a halter top to the school disco.

She borrowed one of my friend’s dresses and stretched out the fabric, then announced to everyone on the bus that my friend was fat.

So, yeah, that’s how she acts now. She also likes to spread rumours about anyone who doesn’t want to be her friend. xx

This answer originally appeared on this Quora question on Shyness.

Why Nice People Are Scary

Video text:

We all say we want to be with someone nice; it sounds so plausible: Did I tell you about this date last night? What happened? It was, I mean, the worst! You think they’re not going to get any worse, but then they do! Just doesn’t make sense, I mean, you’re clever, you’re pretty, you’re funny; why can’t you find the right man? Thank you! Yeah Well, all I’m looking for, I don’t think it’s too much to ask, is someone who’s, you know kind, funny, nice, and normal But in practice it’s pretty hard to deal with niceness when it does come along. So I didn’t run; it’s so embarrassing! Would you like to go out for a drink sometime? Yeah, okay! Yeah, like, I could call you about 9 o’clock after work? Yeah! Cool! Brilliant! A tiny part of us might think “If they’re any good, why are they interested in us?” I had the most amazing time last night. Thank you I love the color of your hair. If we aren’t totally convinced of our own lovability, another person’s affections could be a bit unnerving. “Wouldn’t they rather be with someone else? Is something wrong with them?” Their niceness can be so unsettling you might even try a trick or two.

Oh, hi! It’s, it’s me. It’s Hannah? People who treat us like shit can seem like they understand something profound about life and about us. Yeah, no, I’m, uh, I’m just at the office at the moment, yeah. Thought I’d call, see what you were doing, if you wanted to hang out. Uh, next week, sort of, time is good. I’ll call you. Uh, or yeah, no, uh, you you call me, an or we’ll figure it out. Their assessment of us is more align with our assessment of ourselves.

We shouldn’t hold it against nice people if they like us. Maybe they see something in us we’ve overlooked. But you, the nice ones, shouldn’t be naive either. It’s very frightening to have to deal with niceness. It can be unfamiliar. It can freak some of us out. So be ready for us to panic and hang on in there…

(Visited 1 times, 1 visits today)

You might be interested in

Comment (19)

  1. Looking at the video the guy basically put all the effort into the relationship while the girl sat around and thought about herself. If we really do live in an equal society that glorifies romanticism then it would make sense that both groups put out effort. I’m so tired of this YA style thing where women get loaded with gifts from multiple people then go for the one that lets them feel the most self-loathing in this ‘oh, woe is me’ sort of fashion.

    I’m not talking about sex, kissing, cuddling, picking up the phone, saying yes to dinner, or anything like that. I’m talking about inviting someone to an afternoon with all your other friends, actively working on a project, talking about these problems that you have, returning all favors, and showing off whatever you can do. Do stuff that forces the humanity out of people.

  2. I would never accept a date with a douche… yes, I’m very self concious, akward and anxious, but that’s why I want a partner who’s understanding, kind, one who relates to me, someone who I can really trust. I would first get to know them as a friend. I don’t really understand people who just ask strangers out, tbh :/ I see a lover as a really, really l close friend who you can trust with your life and back.

  3. It always scares when someone is nice to me. Especially when making new friends. I start to build a wall around my heart because I’m afraid of failing them.

  4. When he first asked me to be his girlfriend I panicked. Because, what if he got to know me better and he didn’t like me so much anymore? What if he saw my negatives and decided I wasn’t worth it? . . . I told him as much over text. And he said he knew I was real person with my own issues but he didn’t see them when he looked at me. He saw me. The me I didn’t really believe existed because all I saw were my faults. Been married 5 years now.Love does not avoid gazing deeply at the whole and saying, “You ARE worth it. A thousand times, a million times over, you are worth it.”

  5. Why do I always talk more then others? I try to be friendly and be considerate but I feel like a creep when I ask too many questions and the person usually doesn’t try to talk. It’s every single person I talk to. I hate how I am with people.

  6. I was the “nice guy” to a girl I met online, we met for coffee and she repeatedly bailed out or turned down offers to meet again, despite claiming she was interested. Pretty much I asked a third or fourth time if she wanted to see a movie we previously both said we wanted to see. When she said she had already planned to see it with her sister, that was it. Clearly she wasn’t interested, and she wasn’t nice enough to step up and face the awkwardness of admitting it to me. I’d rather be turned down then led on. I wasn’t a dick or anything, I just responded with “Okay, I understand” and never replied again, and she never replied back.

    Since then I just try to be more myself, and avoid trying to be polite and “just be”. This hasn’t worked out any better, but I think it’s more inline to just how socially retarded I am. The whole idea of dating and how it goes down is weird to me, I don’t really get it. All these sites suggesting to “wait before calling, wait before this or not, pretend to be…” Why not just be you. I don’t get this whole advise of appearing disinterested or trying to get a guy to “chase you”. Fuck that, I’m not a rapist, I’m not chasing a woman who appears disinterested.

  7. Can’t say I agree with the ending. Why should nice people have to be so patient with everyone else’s insecurity? It’s their problem, and their choice. Oh, right… because they’re nice, so they’re supposed to bear the burden of everyone else’s garbage.

    Nice people should only get with other nice people; that way they can live together happily while everyone else stews in their own misery.


Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *