Aged 25 I Was Suicidal Because I Had Social Anxiety & Shyness (Life Changing Video)
Aged 25 I Was Suicidal Because I Had Social Anxiety & Shyness (Life Changing Video)
In this video, Johnny Berba goes very deep to share a powerful spiritual message.
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all right you guys want the truth I’ll tell you the truth here goes this is difficult this is this is um this is me being vulnerable this is me being really honest and talking about stuff that was really dark when when I was 25 years of age 25 years of age I was in full and Broadway I was living in a shared accommodation I was in a one bedroom flat and it was it was a dingy little room and I didn’t feel good enough of 25 years of age and I didn’t feel good if and I’ll tell you why I didn’t feel good enough I didn’t feel good enough because I was keeping a very dark secret from the whole world and hiding it the truth was I was frightened the people I was fighting the people because when I grew up my dad bullied me my dad bully me my dad was tough on me he was equally very kind to me but he terrified me he made me frightened he scared me so much I used to piss down my trousers I used to wheel down my trousers when I was 15 I was so frightened of him but then he would be really nice to me as well so I felt really confused I felt confused about how can i am socializer people and I tried to stop these voices I tried to stop my story and this was going on my whole life it was just 25 was a breaking point where I said I can’t take it anymore and they tell you a little bit more about the story just so you know I’m not talking though the bollocks it’s not just another video it’s me telling the truth I got bullied when I was younger I let people bully me I let I let my um my friends believe me and people around my area bully because I didn’t know how to communicate people I was insecure and I was scared and I just got these memories from school that remember going into school and having such bad anxiety panic attacks remember begging my mum please let me stay of school those the lights my mum and say I’m sick I’ve got headache I can’t go so I was frightened to go to school because the kids bullied me they didn’t just bully me verbally they physically bullied me and I was terrified of fighting and I’d have to end up losing my temper and being violent and I’d have to sometimes batter people batter people in school I’d knocked them out the teachers would freak out my mum had come to school that people would be shots and confused and frying sometimes I give me enough I was fighting all the time I could never understand it I was a nice guy I didn’t want to fight I was a nice person because of the way that my dad had treated me it made me I could trust people and I never realized I was only a young boy I couldn’t I couldn’t fucking trust myself and I felt that people were always going to try and take the piss out of me and it just kept happening I remember the teacher saying to me Jonathan can you come up to the board please and read this out and I couldn’t read it out and everyone was laughing at me in the class I was speaking and I was stuttering and stumbling I was nervous and I I used to be so embarrassed I think hate this feeling hate this feeling of people seeing me struggle hate this feeling of people seeing me embarrassed it’s humiliating it humid it humiliates me right down to the core of us so it makes me feel exposed it makes me feel naked it makes me feel judged it makes me feel hated I thought people hated me I thought my dad hated me I thought the world hated me I couldn’t trust anyone I was full of hate absolutely full of hate occasionally I’d be full of love because my mum was very kind to me as I’ve said my dad was occasionally incredibly kind to me so I had so much confusion I didn’t know where I was at one day I’m one day I’m in feeling good another day I’m feeling hate and I’m in a place of confusion and I always had this it wasn’t an inner voice it was a feeling and the feeling was you are not good enough you you are you’re a dirty piece of shit he doesn’t deserve anything and you should be ashamed and it just kept I kept getting this feeling coming out all the time so every time I was trying to socialize with people I couldn’t speak to them or when I was speaking to me it was hurting my body when my family would come around distant relatives my mom would say your aunties coming around I was terrified to speak to them I couldn’t make eye contact with people because I was scared to look at people’s faces of what they would see that was I would say I was a bad person I just sit in my room and I was 25 and I used to say I feel really angry I speak I’m not a man buy used to cry and say to God how comes you don’t love me how comes my dad treat nice how comes my mum let my dad treat me like this how comes I can’t trust my own father how comes I can’t trust loving me how comes women don’t like me when I was younger in school I tried to be nice the girls didn’t like it they laughed at me all the bullies got the gold so I thought this is the way I’ve got to behave but in as I said there was a lot of confusion because I met I made friends very easily so my life is very confusing as I said I was in a place of hate I was in a place of love but when I was in a place of love I never trust it I never trusted exile no one’s going to love me what why would someone love me because I don’t even love myself God doesn’t love me my family don’t love me and I can’t get an education I was actually intelligent can you believe that I was actually as intelligent as I am now but I was afraid to show it for if I sure I’m intelligent people going to bully me they’re going to get jealous of me but I used to say to myself what the fuck are they going to be jealous of I’ve got nothing to be jealous about I don’t feel good now I couldn’t understand what’s going on so got to voices in my head it’s like it’s a demon bullying me I’ve got this devil that keeps bullying me anytime at once so afraid I was frightened of everything I’d be afraid if my dad said can you go out make me a cup of tea I was shaking as I was making the team I had so much social anxiety cup of tea without spilling on the floor my dad would say what’s wrong with you fucking idiot bring me the tea what’s wrong here I say I’m scared so every time I got a new job I was scared I had performance anxiety I was scared I was scared to walk down the street because I thought people would judge me I was scared to go meet people I thought I was the only one I actually believed it but I could never tell people this if I tell people this they won’t love me I actually fought I actually believed it would be a Bandhan off the face of the earth I’d be in a dark room alone and then I used to get another whisk that would come up saying don’t be such a sucky little mummys boy go out and be a man so I think I’m gonna fucking be a man I’m gonna be a man so next time men start on me I’m going to beat the shit out of them and occasionally I did I’m really ashamed about and I feel like a bully for sharing a bit but what else could I do that was how I was when I was younger that was how my area was no one trusted anyone it was confusing because within the distrust there was some love there there was an underlining love but there was a surface of anger violence and you could be killed at any moment you could be killed anytime at so many violent fights so many violent fights and I actually remember thinking I trust people more when we fight when we fight and we’re violent and we beat we beat each other up then we can be friends because when people are nice mad in trust there I was used to think to myself what’s his person after they’re trying to trick me only being nice because they’re trying to bully me they’re being nice to get to know me manipulate me and to take things away from me and this was a recurring story that kept happening it happened all through my twenties I thought my friends are making fun of me I didn’t trust my friends I was paranoid I paranoid sports I wanted to trust about couldn’t summer wouldn’t let me just feelin that bullied me this demon that my father would put on me bullied me bullying me all the time evil my dad was nice I think he’s going to beat me soon when he’s to come near me I still got that thing is gonna beat me so when I’d sweep to memorize be careful they’re going to beat me that’s how paranoid it was and it kept occurring it kept happening would go out to nightclubs and I’d think please God I don’t want to have trouble today I don’t want to have fights I don’t want I just want to get on and be nice I’d be quiet I wouldn’t say anything most times I was quiet I couldn’t use this voice to say these words I couldn’t use these voice to express these feelings because I was afraid to speak I thought if I speak people are going to judge me they’re going to hear my voice I won’t like it I was ashamed of my voice I was ashamed to say these words to feel these feelings because what my dad said to me when I was younger he said to me should how much of a cunt you saw might wrap up stop being a cunt and don’t be a mummy’s boy and I thought oh my god it’s crushed me this is my dad this is the man that symbolizes my whole existence and he’s just told me I’m an embarrassment of what I was an embarrassment to society and I got to these places that was so low and I was the think to myself I wouldn’t admit it I was a very proud man I would admit I needed help I wouldn’t admit I needed counseling I wouldn’t admit I need to see a doctor I wouldn’t admit that I had to say I am insecure man I don’t trust people and I don’t trust when I’m by myself I’m scared I kept going to these dark places but sometimes I could ignore them I would pretend I would pretend I was a confident man I would watch other men on TV and actors and I think this is how I am but I knew that wasn’t true but I knew I could be like that but his demon was bullying me a demon wasn’t even my dad it passed through my dad it was he put his fears onto me because got a lot of love I didn’t receive the love because the fear and the bad abuse outweighed the love so all the good I couldn’t see it that was many good times my dad brought me to the park he brought me to football he taught me about fellowship you brought my friends together play football so I had lots of moments in my life of love but the demon wouldn’t allow me to enjoy the love because it was always on an egg timer there was always this feeling don’t get too relaxed Johnny don’t get fucking to Alaska swimming we’re gonna we’re gonna come for the rent and when it was same with him to come for the rent it wasn’t the money it was my so it kept bullying me all the time thinking on a belief in God but I’m afraid to believe God if I believe the Goff he was going to think I’m a softy so every time I’d fight I’d feel relief a ton I feel worse after so what have I done I’m just not this guy out even when people would bully me I would feel bad that they bully I would feel bad my dad’s bullying I feel sorry for my dad because he’s bullying me I think I would cry but I feel bad he’s bullying me sits higher in him so I thought I felt confused I felt love for my dad I thought why is my dad bullying me and why do I feel bad I’m being bullied I must rationalize it’s my fault to allows around people I speak why they put in me what’s going on but along my journey I met a lot of nice people I used to make friends with people from different backgrounds because I had certain people tried to teach me beliefs and people tried to teach me to be racist I wasn’t racist they tried to teach me that I can’t be like this person I’m good at what I’m a fucking wasn’t me the fucking wasn’t me that was fear and there’s a demon bullying me cuz I had friends with I mean friends of different backgrounds since I was young I’ve black friends by an hour of friends I had Indian friends I had white but I’ve made prep been like me but I was trained about scared of it I said god I can’t handle it so I didn’t trust love I only trusted fear and he trusted when people are unkind so 25 years of age at home one day and this is after I met Floyd that’s another so I thought to myself I’m sick of this I’m sick of feeling I’m a nobody and I can’t get jobs on Jobseeker’s Allowance I remember going down there and I’m ass in my fat collapsing and crying in my bed had enough for this I’ve had enough of this I Know Who I am I’m not this person I’m not going to allow my dad to bully me and my dad had stopped bullying me by them because our relationship was different but the the old story was bullying me so it wasn’t my dad no more it was the the psychological trauma of what he did years ago he was a changed man we were getting on he was nice by didn’t trust him and in trusting when I was watching the DVDs of him so I thought any moment it can go back to his old self but he changed to become a nice man because no one’s perfect and I learned I had to forgive I couldn’t forgive myself I didn’t even trust myself and I was being nice I thought how long are we going to keep this up for a journey how are we going to play this game had all this psychological dissonance all this confusion I thought I was a liar even when asked being nice to get voice cannot send you dirty lie oh just doing that because you’re trying to get from some people that wasn’t truth I’m a genuine person from a genuine family I was to go to my Nan’s house and say my nan used to see it mine and took care of me I tried I trusted my name she always used to help me out give me money give me love I felt calm around I thought why I kind of feel this around my dad why can’t I feel this around other men why I kind of feel the way I feel around my dad around people because my dad just always loved me unconditionally so did my mum I love my brother my brother knew I was struggling I love my brother tell my brother now I love him my brother knew I shrunk moreover help me I’m rather used to help me not get bully from my dad he’s to get in the way and and and find ways to stop my dad bully me because I love my brother too bitch my brother will know that when he see if he sees this video he knows any my brother knows my heart so I member thinking Monday I’m not fuckin shy so she anxious man I’m not a dirty person from a council stare I’m a person with a heart my human being god loves me I can change this around and when I change it around I want to teach other men I could make as much money as I want I can fix the race ship my dad I can bring my family together I can fix relationship of God I can forgive all the bullies who bully me because they made me they put me here now I survived I thought I was going to die if I wouldn’t get out this area when I met Floyd it was a sign of God because Floyd was a black guy I got bullied by back I got bullied by all colors but Floyd showed me love flobiz a good friend we built our friendship and I started to feel more confident I started to get better with women but I still was getting bullied by this demonic story eventually a couple years ago or when I spoke to my dad and I held the story I changed it by bringing love into my house and bringing God into my house vote for my dad and I’ve told him the truth and it fixed me it fixed our relationship I had no fear in me whatsoever like it like I don’t have now but then I learned to myself I thought all my life I tried to hide my fear what am i hiding my fee every one’s afraid show me a courageous man I’ll show you a coward show me a confident man I’ll show you a man who’s insecure show me a man who’s full of love and I’ll show you a man is full of hate because we’re all human beings we have fear we have to learn to manage off it we have to learn not to get scared into our fear and keep us small and believe old stories we all experience bad experiences my dad is no different God is no different whatever God is whatever God you believe in doesn’t matter that’s your choice every man has fear every man has shame show me a man who doesn’t have shame and I’ll show you a liar show me a man who doesn’t have guilt and I’ll show you a liar show me a man it doesn’t have hate in his heart at one time an oven I’ll show you all showed me a man who’s not full of love and I’ll say that’s the truth this is the human being I had to learn to be human latter reconnect with my inner child and fix myself I can’t be perfect don’t need to be perfect but I need to be honest it’s the honesty that gives you the confidence when I was younger I didn’t give a shit about money we never had any money we managed to have some good times through the bad times but I knew that I could make money the same way I knew I could get a beautiful woman the same way I could teach men how to get the employment so the relationship with the self it’s the relationship with God if got if if you don’t believe in the goddess relationship with love because it’s definitely about love and it’s about accept in some days we have fear now I trust myself now I trust my dad now I trust everyone pretty much everyone I turn my life around and I said one day I’m going to go into the area I’m going to talk to the kids I’m going to say to the kids in my ear from the council state we think they’re not worth me they are worth saying because I learnt this from the council state I learned this from my dad so even even the bad lesson was the good one it brought me to God I could say God out loud I don’t care what people think about me I felt it when I was a young boy got me through it got me through the hard times so what is impossible only what you make in your mind what in your heart in your heart I achieved everything cause out to achieve inspired the whole world got paid to do a job I love they had many attractive women faced all of my fears forgived all the bullies forgive the bully in myself I’m still afraid but I’m not afraid to be afraid I’m still insecure but I’m still being insecure that’s why I’m confident the violence isn’t the answer violence is definitely not the answer I learned that down the boxing gym how to go in the boxing gym and do the violent stuff to realize don’t need to be violent you just need to be yourself and be honest whatever your self means to you the words I’m using now a pointless they’re just words it’s the feelings behind my words it’s what I’m going to say that will reach your heart it’s not don’t worry about what the words I’m saying let’s worry about the emotion I’m expressing over to you and that’s how I connected with God it wasn’t through books or through a while it was a feeling I didn’t trust feeling when I was younger because the feeling was me but when I learned to eventually get the courage to trust the feeling that’s when I found God that’s when I found the truth and that’s when I fought even in my dark days it’s okay that’s my truth that’s my honesty what’s your truth what’s your honesty enjoy the process..