3-Step System To Overcome Social Anxiety
3-Step System To Overcome Social Anxiety
An overview of a couple of thinks that I believe are critical in order to overcome social anxiety. This is just an outline and is missing a lot of steps and things in between, but I hope it provides a good understanding of how to approach the matter of Social Anxiety.
Rather than the usual shyness advice I want to make sure you learn from people who have really gone through it. Like struggled with social anxiety for decade and come out on the other side level of gone through it. If this is your first visit to Social Professor make sure you check out the shy to social page and grab the free audiobook ‘how to talk to anyone’ which is going to turn your life around.
hello everybody my name is mano and welcome today I want to talk to you about social anxiety and specifically I want to give you we a three step system to overcome social anxiety and the system has many steps with him the actual three steps which I’m going to talk to her about all the later so let’s get started first of all I want to talk a little bit about what is social anxiety and obviously social anxiety spelled without an R so excuse my my typo there so I want to introduce you Tom Thomas 26 years old you can see him here in the picture and Thomas at a party and the party sounds over like this so there’s a lot of noise a lot of people around so you can see in the picture there’s a big crowd however Tom is very shy and he’s also single and he’s been single for his whole life he feels all alone in the middle of the whole crowd even though there’s many people around him he doesn’t really feel like there’s many people around him because all he notices is himself all alone in the middle of fog or the big crowd so he also feels like everyone is looking at him and not only are there looking at him but they were judging him for instance this gets very bad if tom is standing all by himself all alone and there’s nothing to do and no drink or nothing to eat and then he notices people looking at him and he immediately makes up the stories in his head okay they were looking at me they see that I have nobody to talk to or that I’m not doing anything particular and they must think I’m weird and boring and you know they must not like me so he convinced himself you can before Dan ever set of words he is convinced that people have judged him in a negative way of course as a result of him being completely self focused and he had very little awareness of his surroundings and of the people that you know are in the room the rest of the people so what is happening is that he cannot really relate to other people because it’s completely focuses in his in his own head and he makes up the stories he talks to himself constantly needs is worrying its head about how he’s gonna work to other people and you know what they’re gonna think about him and he’s afraid that he won’t have anything interesting to say in case he ends up being in a conversation so if someone comes up to him to talk to he already convinced himself beforehand that you know they are eventually going to leave because I’m not interesting and I have nothing interesting to say then you won’t like me know this results of course to Tom not having very many friends and he kind of gets trapped in his life it doesn’t really feel like he can enjoy his life and do the things that he wants to do and the reason I want to talk to about all this today is that many people are like Tom and as you might have figured tom is not a fictional character Tom actually exists the Tom is one of many people that I interviewed in the social dialogue and forum where people help each other to overcome this issue and the reason that I want to talk about this is because this is a very serious issue for me and especially in the country I live in I live in a northern European country where people are not very social are very open and not because they don’t want to be but because that’s the cultural way that they have been programmed and it’s very hard to break out of that and people enjoy having this very big space and I am partly Spanish so I like to talk to people I like to be social I like to you know sometimes just to go out to people and talk to them and they feel sometimes uncomfortable because they’re very shocked when that happened and the reason that social anxieties so close to me personally is because I used to be very very very shy when I grew up and the earliest memory I have of ocean line impact in my life in a very nice way was when I was about six or seven years old I when I was six or seven I used to be in the first or second class off of school and between those breaks between the lessons when those breaks like 20 minutes breaks 25 minutes breaks in which we had to go out of the building to get some fresh air and we’re displayed on what we can play but the thing was though we were not allowed to go back into the building until the break was over so for instance 20 minutes the first break and we had to stay outside to play and I remember I need to go to pee like really badly and I was six seven years old first year in school I went up to the door to go in but it was always a teacher and he wouldn’t let the students in of course if they really had to be he would let the students in a lot of students tried to kind of can’t you know get past him and think that they need to be just to get in and if you were caught getting in even though you didn’t really have to pee or anything they would have to do extra work so what happened is I really need to pee and I went to the teacher and he just stopped me and would like stop you cannot go in and instead of saying hey I really need to pee please let me in I was so intimidated by by the way he said stop him you know I said no way you’re not gonna get in here and I didn’t say anything I didn’t rise I raised my voice and said I already need to pee or you know I just alright that was really intimidated I was shy and I put my head down over okay and I had to wait more and I tried to hold it but I couldn’t no well I’m not particularly proud to say that I’m in a wedding myself that day and one break was over oh my you know friends in school so one day notice that of course and they started making fun of it and this single memory has stayed with me ever since and this is one of the many ways that the shyness impact in my life and the lack of assertiveness to say things so and I’m sure that many people like Tom in different ways like that you cannot pull into your life because there’s things on social obstacles that hold you back so interesting love social anxiety occurs in women twice as often as a man but not only Tom’s a lot of sandee’s as well or daisies or Linda’s or whatever you want to call them and it may be caused by the way you blob or it may be caused by inheritance or both and that’s actually true the way you’re born and genetically wired determines if you are more likely to actually grow up socially anxious or not and I’m gonna talk about this a little bit later more in detail and people with social anxiety are of course less likely to have full time jobs or the job that they truly want they end up settling for jobs that make them feel comfortable for instance a job where they have to work alone in an office and not interact with other people even though they might hate that job or they might they’re not able to go to that boss and ask for a promotion a rate even though they do a great job they just you know then this blockage and they can’t get over that so and a big misconception of those people is that they’re rude or they do not want to make friends or be social in general but that’s the big mistake because there’s nothing more in the world that those people want then to have friends or to be friendly and you know to enjoy and these people very friendly people and most of them are like also bright very good people and very humble people but the problem is that when you go up to someone you say hi and they don’t respond to you very often what what we do is we think okay very very rude I mean why would you not say hi back or you know but what we don’t understand is that these people have problems say hi back like they don’t know how to and they’re so scared of it it’s irrational but about a tree like this and also they will not tell you that they’re scared of it because they fear that once they tell you you think they might be weird and just them again and there’s one thing that social links socially anxious people very afraid of not being judged and rejected so they will avoid every situation which there might be the rest they are being judged or or rejected so these people know that appears irrational and so a lot of people try to doctors and other other practitioners of our people will try to coach people and help them try to target us issue the logical basis and it does not work because those people know that their fear is irrational so telling them that you know there’s nothing to be afraid of and being rational to them will not work they know that so it’s not that simple and also seven people a 10% of our population is affected by s ad social anxiety disorder at any given time so this is a third biggest in psychological disorder that we have currently in the wall so it’s a big thing it’s a big thing and many many are for instance on celebrities they also before they really excelled at what they do were socially anxious people and there’s been documented them from movie stories up to basketball players and so on that these people stayed at home for seven weeks and cried themselves to sleep and you can you can just research yourself and put like celebrities socially anxious and so on it you will realize that many people that nowadays are very successful I have this incredible anxiety or had it incredibly excited within themselves and you would never guess that because the people are very good at hiding that and what basically happens with social anxious people instead are in a constant state of worry and anxiety and it’s killing it’s it’s horrible it’s not ready to deal with when whatever you want to do is so hard to do and you’re constantly worrying about what would happen you cannot even go to the shop imagine as you go to it’s hard for you to go into a shop and buy it Miller or whatever and go to the cashier it’s very hard when you might freak out imagine that it’s not that easy and so it all comes down to comfort these people value comfort and above anything and then arrow down comfort kills and why because what happens is if you value comfort anything about anything other than and I know I know I don’t any other value then you will do anything in order to feel comfortable and you will do that at the expense of all your other values that makes sense so I asked those people when I interviewed them what do you value most do you value most comfort or laughs and it’s comfort comes from my own experience because I look to myself and I thought what do I value most and turns out it was comfort so I was like this is interesting let me see if other people feel the same way so I asked them to you about what do you buy the most comfort or love and immediate answer was always wah and I thought okay you know that’s interesting so let me ask you this would you be would you rather fear I feel lost but uncomfortable or would you rather feel comfortable but I’m loved and then you still say I would rather feel often comfortable and then I said okay and I’ll look at the actions in your life have you ever in your life so uncomfortable in orange if you loved what have you ever done laughs in order to be comfortable and usually what happens is very interesting people come up with examples of where they wanted to feel out but they’d rather sell it for comfort and so they wanted to go for it and make a move or something they knew that if they did that they would feel loved but it would feel very uncomfortable so there’s a lot of instances that people can give me were they settled for comfort and they rather were comfortable but I’m la and there’s almost no example no example that these people could give me or they make themselves feel comfortable in order to feel loved now that’s a very interesting thing so that’s what these people value comfort very very highly above any other thing and that is that is the root of the problem that needs to be changed that’s what you start know what medicine and that the other thing and what happens is that if you keep doing that you will miss out on the love that you want you will miss out on the social prints on the social cycles that you want to have the occasion and you know the fun times with your friends and you want and even on you’ve dream jobs you want to have your dream jobs maybe it’s not this one but whatever your dream job is you most likely not to achieve your dream job because all the social obstacles in your way so that’s a problem so let’s go to the three steps to finally start living and the reason that phrase like that is because our size those people are what is your most common biggest frustration that you have currently and the number one response is that I don’t feel like I have started to live my biggest wish is to start living to start my life so I thought about this very long and when I started learning this stuff six years ago actually I first started with a frustration of not being able to meet and date women and I want social skills there and once I learned that I was okay you know part of that is body language so I went to study body language and then I learned body language influences your psychology know the way you feel then I started learning your English you programming and I was know okay now I went to psychology and like all these things step by step help me to get out and I realized that when I first tried to get more social I was completely starting in the wrong direction you know I was trying to get like tricks and stuff and it took me four or five six years later that you know more that I actually realized that you know there’s more easy steps to work on that more effective steps so I want to mine out from three main steps that I think a critical to resolve this issue number one is to redirect the massive pain and anxiety against itself people who are socially anxious already feel a lot of pain and excited in their life so people think it’s a thing they’re trying to fight it instead look at it at something very useful it’s like you have this massive emotional Drive and instead of trying to find it and get rid of it you can just reach annal it against itself to create massive motivation and I’m gonna talk a little later about how to do that step two is to understand what you do an interrupt patterns of behavior most of the behavior that you do and even the thoughts that you think everyday are automatic you’re on autopilot most of time so becoming aware of when you are getting into the habit of doing something bad that’s not beneficial to you it’s very critical because most of the time we’re not aware of that and for me an example for me that’s something that I I used to do very long times to pick up my phone when I feel anxious when I’m in a social situation I pick up my phone and pretend I’d have a conversation about Hollywood and even though nobody was on the phone but I was just there like hello blah blah because I felt very uncomfortable just standing in the middle of a room or in a party or a social gathering or whatever I’m not doing anything like no have no drink do anything and you know that’s the thing and it’s very interesting because many people when you go out for instance it’s your bar or a club or any other environment a favorite thing to do is go to a bar and get a drink not because they’re like drinking so much actually but many people do that so they have something in their hand to hold it you know and to become aware of you know when you grab that followed it’s critical because now what I did that every time I go there I just left my hand numb I completely like break out of a pattern and then I replace the pattern we’re gonna talk about the later I’m also about through that and step three is to refill your mind positively and to reinforce new behavior because once you catch yourself in the old thing you have to replace that and you have to please all the time and you have to go back into it and then you know it’s change the behavior all the time until it comes out of Matic so and then you have to do it or not on a regular basis excuse me that flu it’s really cold outside and snowing so yeah I catch the flu sorry for them but yeah that continuing there’s certain steps between each of these that I want outline first of all in step one you have to do a commitment and burn the bridges and I’m gonna talk to about this a little bit in in a second next I want to talk about internal resources versus medication most people rely on medication everything as they do they went to the go to doctor and doctor says here have some salad so I have some other beta blocker that might help you not the way to go next I want to talk about motivation what motivates you and how to use pain a pleasure and also about a compelling future you have to know why you’re doing what you’re doing otherwise you’re not gonna follow through so this is the thing in step 1 you see the base is to follow through to make sure that the advice to you later is going to be applied because even if I tell you or I help you by telling you a certain steps that you can do and techniques that you can do if you don’t use them they’re of no value so that’s why I include the first step to actually you know help you motivate number two we have to change the meaning of events why I’m gonna talk about this also the second then you have to zoom out and I use analogy of the room on fire and how that works um you know I’m gonna explain that in a second as well and you have to do something you did not think what’s possible for you because you have to break out of that comfort if you can’t for your whole life you have to break out of that and the way of doing that there’s two ways working your beliefs or working on your actions and again in a second little people take a little deeper into that and step three you have two anchoring new behavior and you have to unplug yourself from resistance because if this all around you this people and things in your environment its resisting your change it’s gonna be very hard to get where you want to go so let’s start with the commitment part and I thought about this a lot and you need a commitment to do anything if you don’t commit to anything you’re very likely not to get where you want to go so I thought okay so you need to make a decision and commit then I looked up the word decision and turns out it comes from a Latin let’s see there and what that means literally is to cut off to kind of what well to cut off all the other options that you have and I’m like okay interesting so how does this apply what do you think about one decisions that you made today think about what are the decisions you made today and if there’s at least two I know that every single view on this video did and I know this because you cut off all the other options number one you got out of bed you woke up and you got out of that yes that was a decision you could have said in bad but if you want to do anything in your day and to your time you have no option but to get out of bed there’s no other way you want to do something with your dad you have to out of that if you do not get out of bed you’re not gonna get anywhere so there is no other option you cut off all the other option number two you ate breakfast the lunch maybe some brunch whatever it depends on the time when you’re watching this but I’m pretty sure you ate something today and if not you’re going to need and so why because if you want to continue living you have to take in nourishment and if you do not take a nourishment or eat well you’re not gonna live so there’s no other option and to go and eat then go to the fridge to go to restaurant and some these are the decisions we make on a daily basis without effort they’re automatic so what is the difference between this decision that you make and between sending us one email that you have to send for three weeks or you know buying this new pair of shoes well okay for our female viewers buying a new pair of shoes there’s probably not that hard and it’s not gonna be procrastinator in fact you will come back with ten pair of shoes and say honey look there one sale and they’re so pretty but that’s not the point the point is like the decisions that you procrastinate all the time and the decisions that you make automatically what is the difference it’s this you know one you cut off all the other options there’s no other way and the other ones you have no emotional drive to send that email why because you do not make you do not realize the negative consequences or the positive benefits of sending that email and once you once you make those things clear can other than your emotion Drive then you cut off all the other options because you think okay if I don’t do this I have been negative consequences so the first thing I have an exit for you now that I wanted to do is to take out a piece of paper and to write on a piece of paper following statement me and you put your name here by the site to burn all the bridges behind me and to do whatever it takes for the next 90 days to get and you fill in your biggest current goal I will prove to myself what I’m truly capable of and I will therefore experience greater freedom than ever before I do not longer accept excuses and I will blow limitations away like TNT I don’t have one life and I will start living my life right now and the reason you have to do this for 90 days is that that’s how long it takes approximately to get a new behavior settled in so it becomes automatic if you only do it for one week four weeks from now you will have forgotten what you did what you did that one week and if you brushed your teeth only you know one week now then a couple of months there would not be automatic you want to go every evening or every morning to brush your teeth if you did not do it every day by the way if you’re not currently brushing your teeth on a daily basis I highly recommend that you go and brush your teeth for a daily basis there’s a lot of benefits you get a whiter teeth and I’ll see you have a nice breath something to think about maybe some extra kit next I want to talk a little bit about internal resources the recent medication like I said the first thing when people feel that they feel that something is problem with them and then they go to a doctor and what I want to point out here is a medication for social anxiety disorder that’s not rare although I was very rarely treat the actual problem but it’s a pressing the negative manifestations of the actual problem and what does that mean it means for instance PCN door beta blockers or any other kind of thumb of medication for social anxiety what it does is basically this will it regulates your bodily function but more importantly it blocks certain chemicals from reaching certain areas in your brain and you can picture it no way that matching your bad mail or post like high def payments or mortgage payments really in bed like something that when you got and you read it you would feel bad about it now imagine the postman does not bring your mail but he never received those bad about that payments or mortgage payments you never received them so how would that make you feel of course it would feel better because you don’t you know you don’t get the bad mail not imagine you do not only not get the bad mail but you get good man you get a mail that says hey you just won a TV and a trip to Disney web how would that make you feel will me make you feel even better so what the medicine does it blocks the bad feelings in a certain way and it enhances the works an enhancement on the good feelings so naturally you feel better after taking them is a risk in danger the medication did not actually treat the problem your high debt payments are not gone they’re still there you just own a way lets you receive the bad mail but it’s still there so if you do not deal with your actual payments then a couple of months from now you know the consequences are going to be very bad you might lose your house you know and then your spouse or your husband might you know leave you and then you might not even see your kids and all these you know things and once you make those things clear then you get enough motivation to actually follow through without medication then what medication actually does it’s just like what it does it surprise to the negative manifestations that’s the main thing that medication does so that’s why I think it’s dangerous to rely on it and long term reliance of it um will cause harm to your health in the long run now one point now should Oh Isis marry torture and I do not discourage people are currently taking medication to let it go and to not take it anymore I think on the contrary I think it might be very helpful for some people especially when they’re very bad stage of social anxiety but if you think about relying on it for a recipe life and you can just you know ask you to reconsider because it might not be good for you and if you say ok but what is the other option that I have well I want to point out something very simple that the human body has actually potential to heal itself and a way to help your body heal itself is to get into the state that would allow you to feel as if you already were healthy and a trip it’s really true it’s true no very simple I want on the high level for example if I cut myself a week from now the wound will automatically close and here that’s amazing I don’t need to do anything the body does itself and there’s not a story about a man called Maurice Goodman you might have heard of him also called the miracle man if you haven’t done I you know recommend that you check him out he sadly died two years ago two or three years ago but he started amazing because that was a man that in his mid 40s finally made his dream come true and got his own airplane then he flew but he crashed with his airplane and crashed his spinal cord and he broke a lot of bones in his body and so when he arrived in the hospital uh the man the doctors told him you’re not gonna survive the night you’re so in such a critical and to be a condition dad it’s very likely you’re going to die not only did he survive that night but he also told them that you know nine months from now is going to walk out on his own feet from the hospital and they said it’s ridiculous the doctors because you’re not gonna be able to do any bodily function anymore on your own you’re not gonna be able to eat alone you’re not gonna be able to walk talk any of that and you know nine months from that point he made a commitment himself and he he used the power of the body to heal itself and it sounds like how come I know but you know it’s been documented you can research this yourself if you don’t believe me and and he walked out of that hospital well it took him I think two more years until the part is first word and five more years until he was able to actually walk again but and after my Monty was only staying standing on his own legs but that’s the point the point of that he went contrary to medical believe and he showed them that you know you run you doctors are wrong and I can actually heal myself again as a matter how severe this and that’s amazing and there’s a spin proven clinically over and over again by using placebos and no Siebels and results of human expectations are what we call acebos in case the positive or knows he was in case the negative and the higher expectations of that the better results so placebo isn’t a substance that is no medical value whatsoever a patient believes that it has and therefore gets better that’s amazing but there’s no medical substance in that placebo and so when a patient believes that they’re gonna get better the placebo works in a certain way and they actually a bad if the person things that are gonna be worse and taking the medicine that also happens it’s a negative that way of it then it’s called called nocebo and what’s interesting here is the bigger the instrument the trigger to placebo the usually higher the results to be a small pill it will work worse than if you have a big pat on machine that’s gonna you know heal you even though none of these things actually have any medical value they still end up healing you making better just because you’re expected to away and that’s amazing so something to think about and last i want to point out that you’re not broken and therefore you do not need medication you can learn you use your mind and your body will follow and what i mean by that is if you’re probably reading and you have something wrong with your lungs obviously you need to go to hospital and get some treatment because your bodily functions not the way it’s supposed to however if you’re socially anxious there’s nothing wrong your organs or your body it’s all your mind so you don’t actually need to be fixed or treated you just need to learn how to how to master your own emotions and how to process the things that happen to you in a more beneficial way next people then say okay but I get panic attacks so I feel physiological manifestations of anxiety so is that just like how come or what would you do what are you telling me I like there’s something wrong with my body again I’m not a licensed doctor but I have done my fair share of research and that’s some facts for all the people suffering from panic attacks and telling me that panic attacks are fact that something is wrong with them in their body functions in fact they are making themselves feel that way it’s not their body makes themselves feel away it’s their mind and their body just responds to it and here’s some facts number one anxiety never causes strokes of heart attacks there’s not been a single documented case that exists in which anxiety has caused the heart attack or a stroke doesn’t exist it’s impossible number two people afraid of passing out almost never pass out and why that because what happened is your heart starts beating faster and you start pumping more blood into your brain that’s kind of hard you pass out with extra object oxygen and blood in your brain just everything 3 any attacks never lead to insanity or loss of control in fact the biggest thing to fear when having a panic attack it is fear itself because once a panic attack is gone it’s just huge white if you are comfortable what it’s happening but after it’s gone you know your life’s normal again so really the biggest thing to fear there is the pier itself for no physical or chemical imbalance is known to cause anxiety or panic attacks what that implies is that nothing is wrong with your body again as I said but it’s all your mind there’s no chemical imbalance whatsoever that causes you things aya T that you feel and v some people are inherently more likely to have social anxiety and social anxiety disorders which afterwards lead to panic attacks I want to point out that nobody has to live the rest of their lives in conflict ID and also this curve they used an excuse because people said people read them and then you’re like ok so it has been proven to some extent that I’m genetically wired like this and I want you to be born like this so there’s nothing I can do about this well let me tell you this I was also born like that my brother was the kind of child that went to talk to everybody was always very happy and I was very reserved and shy always when I was small and one of the difference between you know those two people people like there are very social when they’re small people are very shy well different is that the people who are shy and more constraints in new situations or is that they inherited a chemical chemistry in their brain in amygdala which is the part of a emotional brain that evaluates emotions and evaluates the danger and the threats and so on that gives them a very interpersonal sensitivity and what that means is two new unknown situations these people react with restraint so when it’s something new coming to them instead of embracing it all and being curious about it they actually strength and this is like inherited in your chemistry in your brain and so that is the only difference between those people and the other people and I used to be one of those you know very shy people and if you force me to talk to someone that I didn’t know probably when it was small I thought he started to cry so you know I was one of those and there’s been an interesting story ins one one time I I was playing a Santa Claus in the kindergarten and I went to the bathroom I changed that this huge Santa Claus costume with this huge bearden and I went to kindergarten I was supposed to give him the presents so I went there and I start taking the presents out of my big sigh I’m like reading okay you know this is for this child and this child and I gave all the friends and there was something cross table well I’m trying to get my beard and you fake whatever was fun with one child there was one credit left there was a small girl and then I read in there oh so you know there’s a girl I went to the girl I want to see her you’re pregnant and she hid under the table she went on the table she was very scared okay so you know I started smiling and you know here’s a present and she starts to cry and she started to kick Mike that way mmm like go away and I was like okay you know and I had to give the mother the bretton so the mother was give her a present but she hated me and now looking actually heute all the other kids loved me but she really was afraid of me and she hated me and that’s the only different like those children afterwards they have some degree that makes them actually a little bit more likely to be socially anxious in the afterworld but you can always you can always change that but you cannot use it as an excuse and it’s also not a disadvantage in life to watch other people so it’s just an excuse that’s what I did so I want to talk a little bit about motivation pain a pleasure and often here I just can get motivated follow through and there’s some nice picture here nice crab I made that shows how motivation usually works this ponta motivation by you know if I tell you write that email and I give you a cookie you know you know I put the motivation I write an email and I get the cookie from you so that might motivate you what I can tell you if you do not write that email you will never get cookies again ever and you know it might not be a big deal for you but imagine you love cookies and then what would what you eat more if I told you you can get one cookie if you do it or you will never get cookies again and these are the good cookies we’re talking about chocolate cookies the good stuff so for most people looks like in the picture that the negative motivation it’s much much stronger than positive and it makes sense if you think about what’s the best thing that can happen well you get many cookies or something you know you get a good reward now what’s the bad thing that the worst thing that can happen in the worst case scenario well that you might die so that’s the end of your life so you have to be more careful there that’s why the pain part is more strong as a strong motivator than the pleasure part and if you think about what makes you go to eat everyday it’s the emotional drive behind it the decision to eat comes from the horror that you have you have hunger and what is hunger it’s pain you feel pain in your stomach you’re hungry so that is my strong motivator and if you think mmm if I eat a hamburger I will feel good well it will taste so awesome that makes sense so it’s the emotional drive behind it it’s the pain that makes us follow through if you use these two concepts and you combine them and you make sure okay I get the cookie if I write the email and if I don’t write the email I never get cooking again and you really picture in your mind you make yourself feel that it’s gonna motivate you a lot but you have to you have to take the time to make sure what the consequences are the positive and the negative ones next I want to talk about about that second step to understand what you’re doing and you break patterns of behavior and the first point I wanna make is to learn to change the meaning of events why is that because event plus meaning equals feeling okay people go that’s you know if something bad happens to me it’s a situation that creates the feeling inside me it’s not it’s the meaning you attach to the situation that creates that feeling in you and the people say okay what about I get beaten up and you know robbed or whatever so obviously that’s the bad thing and you know that creates that makes me feel like okay if we talk about physical violence it creates physical pain in you I agree but the actual feeling that you get you know you can have many feelings about the same situation for instance someone might feel sad because you know society’s breaking down to the part water people just start hitting itself other people might be angry because ah you know yeah those don’t excuse my french here but those people like stole me and beat me and other people just might feel you know rage inside of them and there’s different emotions for different people it’s just because of feeling and the meaning they attach to what happens to them and a good example might be Lance Armstrong and you get to stick your cancer for instance and this example is used many times by many people and before he got the cancer and he never won a single tour of friends or anything of that and afterwards after he deals with a cancer he went on to win seven eight or a know how many but many tourism and he never did that before he had the cancer so I can ask you is that the event getting cancer what did a good or a bad thing and many people of course getting cancer was a bad thing that okay but because of the cancer and the meaning he attached to that you know to the to having a cancer he went out to create better life than you ever expected and he ever had before no people say okay it was a good thing that happens like really what if I told you you can have cancer do you want some obviously not so it’s not the event you know it’s the meaning with patch because what about that you got cancer yes or no it depends on how you look at it and obviously getting cancer than a night thing but you get the point how it can affect you and the meaning attached to it and also I’m imagine you’re like no one’s been a story about an old person that was driving a car and the car gets stuck on the railway like you know with the train passes but the person was kind of old and it didn’t know if it did see a train coming and to make the story very short and a person gets saved but I never perceived the danger because it did not really understand the brain didn’t work out weren’t that well anymore so even though the person saw the train and depend was train coming to the the power the mill of the you know right things that person may not feel fear or any of that because it did not attach the meaning to the event okay that train is gonna crash me and I’m going to die and as long as you do not attach the meaning it does not matter what the event is you’re not gonna have that feeling the feeling is caused by the meaning that you attach to thirty events next we have to learn to change the meaning and what is learning learning is behavior change if you learn something but it doesn’t result in a difference in your behavior you didn’t know learn you understood something intellectually but that’s not learning so learning equals behavior change and now I want to look at the model that has been used by many successful coaches and this is completely developed by Tony Robbins and it’s an awesome model that has helped me a lot understand what I’m doing and it’s four four dimensions that uses potential actual results and beliefs so you have some kind of believes right now and the beliefs about yourself create the potential if I ask you how much potential you have in this area well the potential you have in this area is determined by what you believe about yourself it might have little potential or high potential and then your potential creates your actions if you think of a lot of potential then you your actions are gonna be you know more massive if you think your full potential you will take a little action and then according to the action you take you get a result if you take a lot of action you get a lot of results if you take little actions the poor action you get poor results and the results are used to reinforce your beliefs so if you have bad result you tell yourself oh I knew this you know I I knew from the start see I was right you know I told myself I cannot do this and see I couldn’t do it so I’m right instead of realizing that the reason they can do it was because they started thinking that they couldn’t do it and so I call this the poisonous and self fulfilling cycle of behavior and white is poisonous well it can be very good if you use it the right way but for most people suffering on the social anxiety they have very poor believes about themselves so for damn it’s negative circle that makes them get even worse and worse and there’s two ways to break that’s the circle you can either break it in your beliefs by ad working your beliefs or by your actions and I’m gonna give you two examples for each how to break that in your beliefs you can work on change your beliefs and then you create automatically more potential which leads to more actions and you have better results or you can do actions that we’re out of what you thought were possible how do you do that for example when someone else pushes you to do something and then you actually go through with it and then you go wow I did this and you get good results you’re like hey wow I didn’t know I could do this but now I did that so you believes change about yourself hey I can do this I can probably do some more you know so these are two ways to change now number one example four leaves hope to change that for instance for socially anxious people you might haven’t believed I have always been shy and therefore will always stay shy and lonely what you do once you get that belief or even top five or whatever then you think about is this an empowering belief yes or no you take your top five beliefs and you go through them okay clearly this is not very empowering so what are you gonna do are you gonna use motivation to get rid of them and to replace them what are you gonna do well you’re gonna use the positive motivation and the negative motivation so you’re gonna be very specific about what will be the consequences of keeping this belief in your life and for instance I wrote here if I believe that my path equals the future I will always stay alone I will spend my life alone in bad crime I will feel like nobody will ever love me and that I’m not worthy of anyone another person’s loved one morning I wake up ten years from now my life has passed and this belief has dropped me from having friendships the job I wanted an enjoyment in life I’m old I feel tired sad and depressed I cry myself to sleep every day this belief has destroyed my life and this might sound very dramatic and this is only a small part actually wrote over a page and this is an actual text I used when I was working my beliefs because this is believe I had and I give you a small you know part of it but I wrote in much more detail but you know because of the space issues like kind of limited next you have to replace that to live so you need to come up with something on the other side of it to kind of replace that so I replaced what I’m social lovable people feel drawn to pointsme because like soo the positive energy everywhere I go I have many friends and I’m grateful for every day alive and I wrote this probably three or four years ago and it pretty much became true I have awesome friends now I pretty much love my life right now so it’s amazing how these things work and of course this well not only this but what combination of different things but also then what I did I I imagine the life I wanted to have then put on the positive consequences of having that new belief in I wrote I love my life I cannot wait to wake up every morning to breakfast with my loved spouse or partner one morning I wake up 10 years of my life and passed and I enjoyed every single one of them I have a white or the tip and fun social circle and cycle the workout log and I’m thankful for every new day that I get ok and next what I want you do is lie down on your bed put on your favorite music or something that gets you into state and then imagine both of these things imagine all that I think you’re gonna get when you believe and imagine all the freaking pain that you’re gonna have with the whole thing and just like go through it and like you’re gonna feel like when you when you feel all that stuff but it’s gonna motivate you afterwards if you wake up on that and you feel refreshed you like I’m ready for action that makes sense ok you have to do this on a regular basis only once all the time next assume out of the room on fire now imagine you’re in a burning room there is one window close to your bed but a big flame in between the two between the window and the and the bed you have two pillows a big blanket a small bottle of water and in front of the door already big flames you were sleeping but the smoke woke you up question how do you escape the room on fire do you risk your life and try to get out of the window did you get through the door despite the flames or do you even try to extinct the flames using a blanket a pillow think about them for a moment you corner room and it’s full of fire and your figured out of it what do you do now what do all these answers have in common the ones that listen the ones you might think of well it’s quite simple they all are solutions in context of a burning room one the easiest way to escape that room is to stop imagining it and people go ok this is just stupid you know stop be mentioned but might be but if you think about it I told you to imagine your room and once you accepted that statement all the answers you could go up with who are in context of a burning room and this is what you currently do when you make yourself feel anyway that you currently feel how simple people that are suffering from social anxiety they tried to fight anxiety when it comes up and it tried to resist it and divide it and it never works if anything it makes it worse because they also get to frustrate it when it doesn’t work and why doesn’t it work why because they are thinking in context of the burning room so they’re thinking context of their anxiety and all the solutions they come up with in that context I’m not going to help them why because there’s no possible scenario that will help them as long as they stay focused and thinking within the four boxes so what they need to do is to sue out of it and made me realize that things the fact that they believe were true or maybe not true after all some of that might be wrong and you have to let go of the pigs perspective and you try to look at new things but the moment you accept the burning room and you start imagining it in more detail and you actually really make you know clearer picture but the more you you you start to accept that the wave and that scenario well the more higher their anxiety in the pressure and someone is going to be and this applies to any kind of believe I need room or any context that you you make yourself believe and so the moment you start imagining it all the anxieties and the pressure related to the burning just disappear and there’s no point in fighting it as long as you think in the context of it that makes any sense to you I hope it does so it’s important to let go fix perspective and to look maybe the fact that you might be wrong with the things that you think are right and you be you know willing to zoom out and look at it from a different perspective and that’s you thinking colleagues at the room and fire next again I’m sorry the flu if you have the flu I hope I hope that’s a soon because I’ve had it for several weeks now it’s not nice so next we looked at how you can change things in your beliefs by attaching you know the consequences and making clear what what’s gonna be the outcome that you want another thing is to do something new and something that you did not think was possible for you and that’s working on the actions not only on the beliefs but all on the actions and how will it work like this here number one the circle is your current comforts all the things you’re comfortable with and once you push yourself out by doing something that you’re not comfortable with and you stay present and you actually go through with it and you go over the first you could go and you know I wrote universe you could expand your current comfort zone give me your skills and beliefs there’s actually no limit but if I ask the very social anxious person will never talk a word to you know a stranger to go into a club and to make hundred friends well obviously that’s not going to happen because so far out of the reality in the comfort zone that they cannot stretch themselves that far that quickly so I put your like a limit that you know would represent the furthest one could potentially right now with the current skill level expand the comfort zone when in fact there’s no real limit but so you expand it you do something and what happens is you leave up to three and your current new comfort zone now is wider than the first one and you’ve to do is on a current basis and what happens is the things you’d be comfortable with grow so you are known a new scenario where currently you felt anxious but now sudden you cool with it like okay you know this is fine so this is how to do things by working your actions and you have to challenge your physical and your mental comfort zone so your beliefs and your actions a combination of both of these things that are necessary and what can you do for example for your physical comfort zone well you can hit a gym and this is a big thing for it socially anxious person because you might go to you might be out of shape and you see all those people in shape and the first thing that the person will do is oh my god these people judge me because I’m not in shape because I’m too fat to skinny um you know whatever and all my god that person is this great ass and you know I need to train a little bit so this is a big thing but once you start doing that for 90 days you will just your ride home is so much better in any way and or you can do a new sports class some you know join a new class with a lot of new people I scared for some people or you can do what I did find it all of the above but I also did them this year because I had a problem with making phone calls to random people so I started making random phone calls and then hang up and this might sound ridiculous to some of you but some people have a lot of fear of making phone calls so I took a run a number I called them up and I apologized oh sorry wrong number goodbye and once I was comfortable doing bad I got a friend and we made this game that we called random people who didn’t really have anything to say but we made this game who can keep that person the longest on the phone so that they would not hang up and you make this game then and then you really get comfortable with that and once you’re comfortable talking to people to follow you comes talk to people online and you know at some point you get bright well it helps you a lot to get comfortable talking to people in real life okay it’s step by step small steps if you never talk to single person you know all the real live all ready to approach people hi if you’re not even comfortable doing a phone call it’s very hard for people to do that so first you want to go you know your phone call comfortable with that let me know talk to people online get comfortable with that and then go out because it’s much easier to go from being comfortable of making phone call and online you talk to people real life then to go there directly you know that’s this you know furnace you can expand your comfort zone first you know the phone call then on one and then real I realize this too far I’m beginning you have to take small steps okay so next I want to talk about confidence because that’s something you need to do these things and I want to want you to think about confidence as a state just something you’re born with some people think okay he’s so confident or she’s so confident and you know I’m not and it’s not something they’re born with it’s something you cultivate and it’s a state of mind that you can trigger and think about following think about the person you love most in your life okay don’t think about you’re walking down the street and you see that person that you love so much and it’s so dear to you and you see that person being beaten up by some random people and you hear them scream you hear you your loved ones screen and you walk down that Street and far away you hear the person you I don’t know you little sister your grandma whoever the person is and you hear them scream and you see someone doing injustice to them in that moment when you feel that when you see that I don’t care who you are I don’t care how confident you are there’s this moment that you know all this chemicals will flop in your body and you will enter this state or you you’re not really accept anyone doing this and and I don’t care how big the person is that doing a justice to the one you love my guess is that every single one of you right now watching this will step in immediately without hesitation to save the person that you love you’re not kind of like you know your loved ones get beaten up no way you’re gonna step in and you’re gonna be you know whatever it takes if there’s one thing you didn’t your life that’s you know step up for the one you love and so you’re gonna go there and it’s this one stage you venture in a second that you do that even if you’re not a competent person in real life in that second you will be the most confident person on earth because there’s something of staying here that matters to you so it’s a state that you can enter the stage you can trigger actually you have it inside you just don’t know how to get it out and I want to give you also native exercise to cultivate a little more and I want you to do this think of your last birthday in the past and I want you to point with your finger in space to where you’re looking when you think so then when I birthday okay there and I want you to point with your finger you see that mapping the point where you see that in your mind and that’s going to be you and then I want you to take the other direction and that’s going to be your future and all you ever in your mind you have a timeline alright with your past and your future and yeah I want you to quickly create a timeline and to lay it on the floor so you can stand up and take a time out from your mind and put it on the floor and it can be 2 or 3 meters long whatever so it looks a little bit like this here okay so here is your timeline here is what you consider the past and you call the state of weak confidence and here’s what you consider the future which is state of absolute confidence at that point you feel self confident you pretty a tough conference you speak with self confidence and you feel positive and you know enjoy being you and in the middle of that line okay it’s a present state of confidence and you can rate it from 0 to 10 or whatever your present confident is you you go into your body and you say okay Bradley I feel confident from 0 to 10 I feel maybe 4 okay so the present state of confidence is 4 and in the future of the timeline you know 2 meters in front of you or whatever you made it is 10 absolute confidence and behind you it’s zero okay it’s very weak what I want you to do is to stand in the middle of that timeline close your eyes and notice your confident level right now imagine in front of you it’s absolute confidence in the mansion behind you is the weakest state you’ve ever felt and the more you walk towards your confidence level the 10 the more you start feeling confident and the more you walk back the last confident you start feeling so what I want you to do is take one step forward and feel the difference in your body and then go one step back and feel the difference then take one more step back and feel different feel what happens with your body your shoulders drop maybe your head goes down you know you start breathing shallowly and then I want you to take a step forward again take another step forward feel the difference they can understand forward you look different step back be different and do this and finish did the difference until you reach ten and you will notice by the time you reach ten it will stand differently you will feel different you i. Contact is different you have different presents about you and you can just blow the timeline up and leave from there and you walk into your life now in a more confident state okay and you can also trigger that state by you know when you’re really feeling it you tap your wrist that’s anchoring your state and you do that several times and you go from that state and to feeling crappy and for peeling crappy you go back into the state and you train that so that when you pick crap but you can pray easily enter that state and I hope that made sense to you how to do that and this video is getting really very long so I don’t really have time to demonstrate how to do that but I hope how polls people got the idea behind that okay okay let’s go on now lastly I want you I want you to refill your mind positively and to reinforce new behavior what did that mean to anchor your positive States okay when you be great just anchor them you know realize what you do and you can anchor them different ways so that you can train yourself to go into from a past and should good one over and over again until it becomes very easy for you to do that next I want to I want you to unplug yourself from existence and what that means is I want you to ask the question are they where you want to be because the moment you start changing your family your friends everyone around you starts noticing it and they don’t like it some people hide it but most people won’t like it why because you change and you know the things that they did to you or the way they interacted with you they don’t work anymore can you get more confident more you know a surgeon more you get better with every day so when they give you advice so try to hold you down you might ask yourself this question aren’t they what you want to be or have they gone through the struggles that you are going through and if the answer is no you might not want to take advice from them you know because a lot of people talk but maybe you actually you know can give you the mentorship that you really need so that’s just a question I know it’s very hard to let go friends that try so your backbone a lot of people that I I knew that I consider my friends they started getting you know very weird when I changed and they started testing me all the time you know it’s just a phase you you won’t go through with that you know you cannot do this stuff like that and it’s like do you can also use it as a motivation you know just to throw it it’s just to show them you know not only shown yourself but showing them also know I can do this you can also do this stop trying to pull me down I will help you get up and if they still is this let go of them or don’t you know don’t spend too much time or out them and I just have the question are they where you want to be if you take advice from them that’s something you know you want to consider maybe next thing dream dream every night before going to bed and I want this I want you to make this also for next 90 days a ritual and before you go to bed brush your teeth if you’re not doing that right now I hope you really do then you know put on your pajamas or do your night workout some push ups whatever you do and then before that you dream five to ten minutes and then you go to that and what I mean by dreaming is to lie down it’s really green because it takes no effort and it’s such you know such a nice thing to do and there’s a lot of benefits so just do that just go in there then your bed and dream for a couple of minutes what you want to be and do this every day make it a habit okay before you go to sleep next and this is something that you know just to really make you think about this if I gave you ten million euros or dollars in a year if you manage to get fifty friends which roughly is when your friends a month would you do everything possible to achieve that goal and I’m talking here now of course in context of socially anxious people which is very hard for them to make when your friends a month or 15 your friends you know year sounds crazy and most of those people only have one or two friends these are the same friend for many years I close friends so if I gave you this money would you do it and you know if you think about this people might say yeah you know of course if I get like 10 million I would do whatever it takes oh okay that’s interesting then I ask you this how much do you value your life do you find it more or less the 10 million why are you not willing to do it for the sake of a better life if you’re willing to do it for so much money of course if you get 10 million and you only have to do pick your friends or whatever your challenges maybe it’s very hard for you to I don’t know build up a list of clients and you need to get you know you want to get 20 clients every month or make 20 phone calls every month and you know if I told you on the end of the year if you made 400 phone calls or whatever number is that you want to have or 1,000 or 2,000 whatever would you do it and most likely you would if you get 10 million for it so you’re willing to do it for our money but why not do it for the sake of a better life because it’s actually what you’re saying is that you value the money much more in your life and you know might not be a good approach to that just to think what are you really important to you and to do this for the sake of having a better life and being able to impact other people slide more effectively just something to think about next time I want you to thank I want to thank you very much for listening to me and people you know the amount of time that you have in your life which is very you know very precious time I realize that so I appreciate that knowledge too I hope that it’s tough to create a noise in the middle of your emotional feathers and start living the life that you really deserve my friend and I really mean that because I know it’s possible and I feel great I like to do it in other way I’m giving them the prints that I have I see people struggling to bet their time to write help from all the country I live in which is a country with people face shy socially anxious they severally so many things just because and I’m willing to step out of this conference not much break that the way of written that that gives me the whole lives you know I really..